9 1/2 Weeks

Fifty Shades of Grey

Denigrate Fifty Shades of Grey all you want. Call it smut; argue that those who read it are “at increased risk of engaging in binge drinking and having multiple sex partners.” Decry it, for as a piece of Twilight fan-fiction that (as a series) spent 100 weeks on the New York Times bestseller list, it’s literal masturbation material being eaten up to a mass audience. Go ahead and say it right now, if you’d like (I’ll probably agree with you). But for all the flack thrown Fifty Shades‘ way, there’s something curiously admirable about it. Not necessarily to do with the movie, but with its marketing: how a few brave souls have been tasked with repackaging cut-and-paste Twilight fan porn into something appropriate for a prime-time TV spot. To that, a new trailer for Fifty Shades dropped last week. It’s steamy, but also weirdly cold and emotionless. It tells us explicitly that this is a movie about people doin’ it with whips and chains, but doesn’t deign to show us much whipping or chaining. On its own, that sounds pretty on the ball for a Fifty Shades movie. But what if we broaden the context? How do other sex movies — that is, films explicitly about sex, with porking as a central plot point — pitch themselves to potential viewers? Well, let’s dig back through the years and find out.


Of many preferred professions, I find chefs to be on the right end of the hotness scale. Their passion for food translates into multiple areas of life and it’s hard not to get swept away into a blissful utopia where calories don’t count but your opinion of that chocolate mousse does. As you may have guessed, I have been suckered into this world once or twice, and unlike the obsessions of mine that turned sour, my chef love remains. I had high expectations for the Catherine Zeta-Jones and Aaron Eckhart led kitchen romance No Reservations. Two hot-tempered executive chefs forced together to run one kitchen sounded almost as steamy as angry sex in the Grey’s Anatomy on-call room. The potential for secret glances over chopping boards and mutual arousal from yelling at their sous chef seemed inevitable. However, the movie wasn’t about the sexy times of these two hot chefs. Rather it was more about Zeta-Jones’ Kate and Eckhart’s Nick learning to put aside their ambition and realize what’s important in life. Sex and cooking go hand-in-hand, so thankfully the couple does partake in a few tingly make-out moments and fade-to-black sex scenes. But most of the movie’s heavy petting is left for the dough in the prep oven. Tough lady chefs like Zeta-Jones’ Kate are modeled after real chefs, but that doesn’t mean Hollywood has been quick to allow women to be tough and sexy on screen. On the contrary, many movies featuring female cooks have been just that—cooks.



What better way to spend your day off than to talk about sick sexual shit? Just because your life must resume its wanker routine tomorrow doesn’t mean that your sex life must. Work out your kinks by introducing a few. And where there’s sex, there’s movies.


In our first feature for Porn Week, we explore the beauty of sex scenes on film by sharing our favorite ten.

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published: 12.23.2014
published: 12.22.2014
published: 12.19.2014

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