3 Ninjas

The Great Lakes Expendables

When The Expendables first came to our attention, we were all psyched. By “our” and “we” I’m referring, of course, to just about every male born before 1990. These were our guys. Our heroes. All of them, together, in one place. Well, almost all of them. There were some notable figures missing, like Jean-Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris, and Steven Seagal. As internet writers with a boner for lists, we all put together our dream cast for The Expendables 2.  Now that the film has arrived, men and awesome women everywhere were rewarded: Jean-Claude and Chuck Norris were both added to the  cast while Schwarzenegger and Willis both got expanded roles. Our action dreams were coming true! And while the word on The Expendables 2 is mostly positive, that hasn’t stopped the internet from churning out dream casting for the hopefully inevitable third installment. But here at Film School Rejects, we’re a little bit different. Why create another list of pretty cool action stars from the 80s or 90s? Everyone else is already doing that. We’re going the opposite direction, to Asylum Town.

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Junkfood Cinema - Large

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; the only type of kicking we advocate is kicking back…and also roundhouse. You’ve just smoke-bombed your way into the Internet’s most ninja-based bad movie column. Every week we knuckle down (or up) and punch apart a mega mountain of a terrible film. We’ll throw shurikens of snark at the movie’s faults in a sneak attack of thinly-masked adoration. Just when the movie is beaten down to the point of committing seppuku, we will distract it by offering it a disgustingly delicious themed snack. This week marks the twentieth anniversary of one of the most important films ever made. A film that challenges convention and plumbs the very depths of the human soul. It also features ninjas. I’m referring of course to Lawrence of Arabia, or possibly 3 Ninjas. Yeah, no I definitely mean 3 Ninjas. This 1992 film asks the difficult, thought-provoking questions. Can kids be ninjas? Are they only permitted to do so in odd-numbered groups? Did Home Alone suffer from a karate deficiency? In it, a trio kick-happy fighty-tikes are taught the martial arts by Sensei Inexplicably Asian Grandpa. They then use their kid’s-table-Bruce-Lee skills to take on Diet Steven Segal and Not Quite Odd Job aboard their drug ship. In honor of the anniversary of this masterpiece, we gathered together our go-to focus group, a.k.a Mrs. Tobias’ third-grade class, to engage in a vital scientific experiment. We gave them a series of mad libs designed to construct the perfect title for the […]

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