Early Review: Friday the 13th

There are few movies that leave you speechless.  Luckily, Friday the 13th is not one of them. Watching this film, through squinted eyes, dozens of words came leaping to mind. Abomination. Terrible. Offensive. Worthless. Dangerous. It’s no small thing to disgust a theater full of critics, but director Sean S. Cunningham has done so with the absolutely wretched and violent Friday the 13th.

What little plot there is surrounds death. Nearly a dozen teens are slaughtered on screen for your entertainment. The pointless slaughter of youth kicks off with young lovers needlessly shedding their clothes on screens before being killed. Director Cunningham puts the audience in control with a first person point of view – it’s as if the hunting knife is in your hand before it’s in the youth’s belly.

It’s a struggle. I’ve given up in trying to find a redeeming quality to this film which contains such levels of terror violence that were never meant to be seen on screen. The film is full of terrible acting, perhaps best illustrated by the vacant and no-future Kevin Bacon, whose name is far more interesting than anything he manages in the film.

Likely to be among the most offensive and vile movies of all time, the screen is overflowing with the work from future out-of-work psychopath Tom Savini, some sort of insane, monstrous wizard obsessed with spurting blood across the screen and severing heads from bodies.

If there is one thing to be thankful for, it is that the film is so devoid of humanity it will never spawn a sequel. The film takes absurd turns during the climax, tugging at the very edge of believability. Not believability that this could actually happen, but believability that a mind could be as warped to actually think the audience could possibly consider the climax as even remotely credible.

Do yourself a favor and skip this pile of cinematic trash. Friday the 13th will go down in the annals of history as a steaming piece of vile excrement. Don’t waste the time on a film that makes no social commentary and no effort to make a difference in the world of film. Rather, you should invest your time in the upcoming Roger Corman produced, soon-to-be classic Humanoids From the Deep, which seems poised to the launch the careers of its young stars and establish an instantly recognizable franchise thanks to its respect for the human condition and surprising insight into society.

Yours in Christ,

Robert Fure

Editor’s Note: Friday the 13th comes out May 9th.

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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