You Win Some, You Lose Summer

Hey it’s summer movie season and what a season it’s shaping up to be! There’s that new movie from washed up actor who tried being a director but failed miserably and has to star with a young overrated hack. Look, there’s “Product Placement! The Movie” starring Something Your Kids Will Whine and Cry Over in Public Making Everyone in a Five Mile Radius Believe You are the Worst Parent in the World Until You Buy It for Them. Oh and let’s not forget the movie that’s based on another movie that’s based on another movie that’s based on something that’s not a movie because coming up with an original idea requires you to lay off the cocaine for more than an hour.

OK, the truth is I really don’t care about the summer movie season anymore. It’s gotten too predictable, too overblown and (worst of all) too boring. Sure there are a couple of gems in this turd mine of 2007 like “Ratatoullie” and “Transformers,” but once you go through those, there’s nothing left. You’re just standing there at the altar with no shoulder to lean on like a one legged bride.

Luckily, there’s a coping mechanism…besides cocaine. It’s my patented “Mashed Movies.” For the unfamiliar, the game was created more than two years ago at Hofbrau Steak House in downtown Dallas on a hot Saturday afternoon. It came to life the way all great ideas do, with a little ingenuity, a dash of creativity and a beer tab that made our wallets cry.

The rules are simple. You take two bad movies that share a same first and last word and stick them together. You get double the points if they go together as well as Froot Loops and hairy man ass.

First up, George Clooney must reassemble his assorted gang of thieves, pickpockets and schemers for another caper to avenge an old friend when he realizes he’s magically transformed into the body of a hot 20-something, independent woman in… OCEAN’S 13 GOING ON 30.

Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan return to the roles that are keeping their careers afloat in another action packed adventure comedy that has them chasing down the Yakuza, blowing up everything in sight and learning how to change poopy diapers. Steve Guttenberg co-stars in… RUSH HOUR 3 MEN AND A BABY.

Adam Sandler returns to the summer movie screen as a firefighter who faced with a four alarm fiasco. He’s about to lose his pension and the only way he can keep his family and his future afloat it is by pretending he’s gay and marrying a catch-phrase spouting, blue collar comedian in… I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY THE CABLE GUY: HEALTH INSPECTOR.

Rowan Atkinson returns as Great Britain’s most lovable Englishman in a comedy that will kill you. The affable Mr. Bean decides it’s time to take an around the world vacation only to realize it’s been nearly destroyed by the effects of global warming in … MR. BEAN’S HOLIDAY AFTER TOMORROW.

Angelina Jolie gets the sequel treatment in this big budget comedy from the people who brought you “Welcome to Sarajevo” and “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.” Jolie’s husband is kidnapped by a militant terrorist group and she turns to cope with her fears and horror by building an arc and housing two of every animal on them in… EVAN ALMIGHTY HEART.

And finally, Daniel Radcliffe returns to the role that made him an international superstar. This time, he must stop a heartless serial killer from blowing up the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft by blowing it up himself and half of the student population in the process in… DIRTY HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX.

Email Danny Gallagher at dannyboythezombie@gmail.com.

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