WTF: Whoring Out Our Babies?

Pay Me Money to See his Unborn Son!

Over the weekend, one of the minor news stories was that Jennifer Lopez and hubby Marc Anthony had struck a deal with People magazine for the first-look photo rights of their newborn twins. People is reportedly paying the couple $6 million dollars for the babies’ first public photos.

What the fuck?

Normally this sort of crap that goes on in the gossip rags leaves my head reeling. But this really takes the cake. Six million? You’ve got to be kidding me. There is so much wrong with this.

First, how will anyone know these photos will be real. Almost seven years ago, my first son was born in the same maternity ward as Eric Clapton’s kid. They had extra security there, but to be honest, no one on the floor knew which baby was his. Why? Because all newborn babies look alike. Hospital staff makes them wear bracelets for a reason.

If only this story would have broke yesterday, and if only Lopez and Anthony had taken a random picture of other twins. That would have been the best April Fools joke of the decade.

But even more, since when has it been considered in good taste – or even mildly acceptable – to whore your kids out at such an early age? This goes beyond crazy stage moms and JonBenet Ramsey’s freakishly inappropriate beauty pageants.

Yeah, I know that El Cantante bombed harder than an Iraqi Hooters, but don’t these two already have tons of cash socked away from their has-been recording careers? Pimping your infants for a $6 million payday is nothing more than an admission that Lopez has given up on movies and music (since after these babies, her ass is going to blow up like a stock-car’s parachute).

Well hell, if the Hollywood elite can play the game, so can a fat guy from Ohio like me.

I am hereby announcing that my wife and I have come to an agreement with Film School Rejects, which has agreed to pay an unspecified amount for the first pictures of our unborn baby, due in the middle of May (hopefully not interfering with the press screening of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull).

Watch the site for further information, announcements and the Annie Liebowitz photo spread of our new family.

Kevin Carr crawled from the primordial ooze in the early 1970s. He grew up watching movies to the point of irritation for his friends and was a font of useless movie knowledge until he decided to put that knowledge to good use. Now, Kevin is a nationally syndicated critic, heard on dozens of radio stations around the country, and his reviews appear in a variety of online outlets. Kevin is also a proud member of the Broadcast Film Critics Association (BFCA), the Online Film Critics Society (OFCS), and the Central Ohio Film Critics Association (COFCA).

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