The news of using illegal steroids and performance-enhancing drugs is nothing special. We see that every day… in the sports pages.

But did we ever expect to see it in movie news?

This past weekend, a report was released that named thousands of people who were allegedly obtaining illegal drugs. On the list were sports names, sure, but other names caught everyone’s eye: Wyclef Jean, 50 Cent, Timbaland, Mary J. Blige and Tyler Perry.

Tyler Perry? What the fuck?

Look, I can see the sports guys do it. After all, the abnormally hulking Barry Bonds has scored big (allegedly… our lawyers made us put that in) with these things. And I can also buy the rappers and even Mary J. Blige, considering how much energy and stamina is needed to perform live on a tour.

But Tyler Perry? Doesn’t he just sit around in a fat suit, writing his wildly popular plays and movies?

Of course, the publicists have all denied this, but that’s nothing new. Don’t publicists deny everything from initial reports of Jamie Lynn Spears’ pregnancy to Nicole Richie’s drastic weight loss from an eating disorder?

Here’s my theory… scientists have discovered a performance-enhancing drug that doesn’t help your physical performance, but rather your performance at the box office. Not only would this explain why, after his disastrous performance in Home of the Brave, 50 Cent went on these ‘roids. But it would also explain why Tyler Perry’s blazingly mediocre Why Did I Get Married? became such a hit.

Do you think Nicole Kidman is looking into getting the same drug to revive her dwindling box office numbers?

Talking Points: Which celebrities could benefit from Tyler Perry’s box-office-performance-enhancing drugs? And who deserves it most?

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