Halloween is a virtual movie marathon for movie geeks. There are so many classic horror movies that have created iconic monsters, they should be required viewing every Oct. 31. We’ve even listed a slew of good ones for you to rent on this site.
But with every yin, there is a yang. There are some movies that are so far apart from the Halloween experience, they shouldn’t even be on video rental shelves when people are combing their local Blockbuster for copies of the original â€œFrankenstein,â€ â€œFright Nightâ€ and â€œEvil Dead II.â€ These movies, if viewed on Halloween night, could very well disrupt the balance of the universe and send the planets flying off of their orbits and into some kind of bizarre parallel dimension where people drink dirt, birds swim in the ocean and TNT airs â€œDawn of the Deadâ€ for 24 hours on Christmas Day. These are movies that for the sake of humanity and the entire universe should never, for God’s sake NEVER, be viewed on Halloween.
10. Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo
If you grew up during the time this movie was made and you can actually remember going to the club dressed like you were just thrown off the set of â€œYou Got Served,â€ then maybe the thought of you in streaked hair and parachute pants would give you a good jolt on Halloween. The rest of us, however, will laugh at your goofy ass and go back to watching â€œRe-Animator.â€
9. The Prince of Tides
It’s been known to cause grown men to menstruate, so unless the fear of developing ovaries scares you down to your core, by all means rent it. (Film School Rejects waives all liabilities and responsibility for development of female organs by viewing this movie on Halloween or any other time of day or year. By reading this disclaimer, the reader waives any legal right they may have if they watch this movie.)
Sure the thought of being trapped on a sinking ship that splits down the middle and sends thousands of innocent people to a cold, watery grave is scary, but mix in a sappy love story that turns a cool disaster film into an epic chick flick and you have a movie that shouldn’t even be viewed on Valentine’s Day.
7. Ernest Saves Christmas
Forget the fact that it’s a Christmas film, it’s probably the worst Ernest movie ever made and that’s a low limbo bar to have to climb under if you’ve had to sit through all of them (I was a prisoner of war in Cambodia once). You shouldn’t even show this movie to your family on Christmas, unless of course, you really, really hate them.
6. Ghost Dad
Granted, it’s as close as we’ve come to a Halloween-esque movie so far, but it’s far from being anything that actually celebrates the spirit of Halloween. There are no scares in it. There is only one ghost in it. There aren’t even any laughs to speak of in this entire film. You’d do better renting â€œLeonard Part 6â€ because at least it’s scary bad.
5. The Joy Luck Club
If the thought of living under the demanding and controlling thumb of a mother who worries about losing her tradition for the sake of her family’s happiness or personal identity is your idea of a scary movie, take your head with both hands and shake it as hard as you can.
4. Joe Dirt
It’s hard to think of a dumber movie than this and that’s because if we watched it, chances are it gave us brain damage and erased it from our minds. It’s also not even remotely good to watch on Halloween because mixing that much sugar with such mind-numbing entertainment can’t be remotely healthy for any human being. You’d be better off wrapping your head in tin foil, sticking it in the microwave and calling it a night.
3. Weekend at Bernie’s
Sure it’s about a dead guy, but unless said dead guy is either reanimated by some kind of secret chemical agent developed by the government, a satellite that fell to Earth, a book that contains evil demon rituals and spells or test monkeys, it’s not worth putting into a VCR on Halloween. Oh, it also sucks ass.
2. Any of the Scary Movie movies
Despite their title, there’s nothing scary about them. There’s also nothing funny, unique, original or remotely good about them. Granted, you get to see Carmen Electra, Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy strip down to next to nothing and run around like retarded Girl Scouts who’ve eaten too many cookies during parts of it, but watching this junk food movie on Halloween has been known to give people diabetes.
1. The Bridges of Madison County
I can’t think of a less appropriate movie for Halloween than this one or maybe I just don’t want to. It’s one of those movies that is so sensitive that it’s too girly for the likes of the Lifetime network. You shouldn’t even show this movie on Halloween if you’re goal is to get everyone to leave your Halloween party because chances are they will not only wrap the trees in your front yard with toilet paper, but they might also hang you from it.
Danny Gallagher is a writer, humorist and columnist living in Texas where Joe Dirt is considered required viewing for film school students. His website is www.dannygallagher.net.