This week, Hollywood is abuzz with anticipation for the CGI film Beowulf. The 3D epic features impressive motion-capture technology, the latest in digital effects and a photo-realistic three-dimensional Angelina Jolie completely nude. Unfortunately, it also features a photo-realistic three-dimensional Anthony Hopkins nude as well.
This got us to thinking that while we love nude scenes in movies, there are some that should have been left on the cutting room floor. As George Costanza once said on Seinfeld, there’s “good naked” and “bad naked.” Here’s a list of the top “bad naked” moments in cinema history.
10. Harvey Keitel in The Piano (1993)
It was one of the top films of the year’s award season, but unfortunately it won the award for exposing the most junk nobody wanted to see. Let’s face it, this guy ain’t attractive even when he’s wearing clothes.
9. The Witches in The Tragedy of Macbeth (1971)
When Roman Polanski moved on from molesting underage girls, he decided to take Shakespeare to its gritty roots. This modern – and violent – filming of the Bard’s classic play featured the witches all wrinkly, dirty, old and naked. Talk about toil and trouble.
8. Anything with Will Ferrell
Like Anne Heche in the early 1990s, if Will Ferrell shows up in a film, chances are you’re gonna see his hairy man-boobs and appendix scar. Ferrell, while hilarious even in his most revealing scenes, is waaaaaay too proud of his body.
7. Billie Gibson in The Shining (1980)
Forget the danger of being hacked to death by Jack Nicholson. It was this rotting, flabby, ghostly image that kept us from wanting to go back to room 237 of the Overlook Hotel. And she was so hot as the young lady…
6. Jaye Davidson in The Crying Game (1992)
Even if you heard the spoiler about this infamous scene in The Crying Game, it was still a shocker.
5. The Fat Lady Stripper in Orgazmo (1997)
Not that anyone would put it past the South Park guys, but it still made us throw up in our mouths to watch T-Red come after i in the film… stunt cock or not.
4. Terry Bradshaw in Failure to Launch (2006)
What romantic comedy isn’t complete without Terry Bradshaw’s lumpy, bare butt cheeks? Completely unnecessary, but an inspiration to all of us to build our own naked rooms.
3. The Singing Asshole in Pink Flamingos (1972)
True, scenes from John Waters’ films could populate this entire list – from the Egg Lady to the hermaphrodite in the park. Still, it was the infamous Singing Asshole that helped propel Pink Flamingos into underground trash cinema history.
2. Kathy Bates in About Schmidt (2002)
We love Kathy Bates, the actor. We don’t love Kathy Bates, the hot tub bunny. And the scene just kept going… and going… and going…
1. Sascha Baron Cohen and Ken Davitian in Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)
One of the funniest movies of the year. By far, one of the most disturbing scenes of the year as well.
Diane Keaton in Something’s Gotta Give (2003) – It’s not that we don’t like her as an actress… it’s just that we’d rather have seen this scene in her Annie Hall days.
Lyn Shaye in Kingpin and There’s Something About Mary (1996 and 1998) – She wasn’t nude in Kingpin, but her un-naked body was disturbing enough… and the fake, old, pendulous breasts in There’s Something About Mary was the stuff of nightmares.