If the odds aren’t good for a movie based video games, the odds are even lower for a good video game based movie. We’ll be honest, you’ve got a better chance of getting struck by lightning in your homemade Mario costume while you’re getting it on with Angelina Jolie in her full Lara Croft outfit.
Why are video game movies doomed to suck? Video games have the potential to be just as good as a movie, both as a story telling and an entertainment device. The problem is these days, video game movies are made with one purpose in mind: feature length advertisements. Most, if not all, of the video game based movies that have come out so far have come out around the same time at the peak of their inspiration’s popularity, just enough to squeeze a few more dollars out of the spoiled gamers’ parents’ pockets before their fickle minds move on to the next retina destroying video game title.
So put down that Wii controller and pick up your DVD remote because here are The 10 Worst Video Game Movies in History.
10. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)
You would think a movie starring a super hottie playing an even more super fictional super hottie would divert you from the fact that you’re watching a really horrible movie, but not even the Kleenex in Angelina Jolie’s bra could do it. For an actress of Jolie’s caliber, the acting was horrible, the story was totally unbelievable and the action sequences had barely any action in them. This movie could have easily been improved and would have been spared from our list if it only had a five second nude scene.
9. Bloodrayne (2006)
This movie has the same problem as â€œTomb Raider.â€ It’s got boobs, blood and a big name cast, but no bite and that’s even sadder considering this is a vampire movie. It’s typical of an Uwe Boll movie. It’s got no story, no sense of structure and no sense. No surprise there, â€œBloodrayneâ€ isn’t even that big of a video game. I hate using this word to describe it because puns feel more beneath me than Jimmy Hoffa’s remains, but this movie really sucks.
8. Double Dragon (1994)
This video game flick is far from being the worst movie on our list, which should serve as a warning about the rest of the list from this point on, but â€œDouble Dragonâ€ is by far the most painful to watch. The fight scenes are boring, the acting is wooden and the story doesn’t even try to follow the original game that managed to make a cohesive story that was ten times better and only out of 8-bit technology. It creates more awkward and embarrassing moments than a fart during church.
7. Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)
The first â€œResident Evilâ€ flick was bad, but it had some moments that barely saved it from total mediocrity. The sequel didn’t even come close to sub-standard. It’s a horror movie with no scares based on a game that could actually deliver some good scares even in its early days. It’s just a 120 minute shoot-em-up shouter that’s chocked full of blood and bullets but no brains. Thank God George Romero steered clear of this movie series and stuck with his own legion of zombies.
6. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)
Here’s another sequel that doesn’t stand up to its sucky senior cousin. â€œMortal Kombat: Annihilationâ€ is bad on every level: story, script, dialogue, acting, special effects, music. But it’s particularly bad for one special reason: the directing. The original movie was directed by the notorious Paul W.S. Anderson, but even he didn’t want to have anything to do with this pile of cinema nor its subsequent future sequel, so he could go on to direct the sure to suck â€œSpy Hunter.â€
5. Alone in the Dark (2005)
This one’s a particular sharp thorn not just because it helped prolong Uwe Boll’s career, but it also ruined one of my all time favorite video game franchises. It’s just unbelievably bad. The story stinks. The performances, particularly Tara Reid’s attempt to act like a scientist, are unbelievable. The fact that it got so many greenlights on its way to the screen is unbelievable. Either Hollywood is run by total incompetents or corpses that are duct taped to office chairs.
4. House of the Dead (2003)
Our final pick from Uwe Boll’s library isn’t just one of the worst video game movies of all time or one of the worst horror movies of all time, but it’s also one of Boll’s worst movies and that’s the lowest compliment I can give it. It’s another video game movie that completely strays from the video game it’s based on and strays off completely by the time the final credits roll. It’s really bad, and not the good kind of bad.
3. Wing Commander (1999)
Here’s another game that completely destroys any good memories I ever had of its video game counterpart because of its sheer suckitude. It doesn’t try to stand out or act as an original space science-fiction movie and worst of all, it stars Freddie Prinze Jr. at a time in his career when he was looking for more range from the endless chain of unfunny teen romance movies. Unfortunately, he’s got as much range as a pea shooter.
2. Street Fighter (1994)
â€œStreet Fighterâ€ is bad for a number of reasons. There’s the script, the story, the acting, yada yada yada. Let’s get to the heart of the matter. It takes one of the most beloved video game franchises ever and gives its fans a roundhouse kick to the head. It stars Jean Claude Van Damme playing the American Guile with a French accent, which is just confusing. But most of all, it was the great Raul Julia’s last role in a major motion picture before his untimely death.
1. Super Mario Bros. (1993)
It hurts me to put this so high on the list because as a hardcore gamer from way back, a Super Mario Brothers movie was not only a sign of God, but also a sign that he actually listened to my prayers. I didn’t date much back then. But as I look back on this flick with a fresh pair of mature human eyes, I cringe. I feel dirty all over. It’s the first film ever based on a video game and it’s bad. It’s really bad. Bob Hoskins as Mario, Dennis Hopper as King Koopa and even John Leguizamo as Luigi do what they can with what little they have, but they are far from being enough to save this stinker. Everything about this thing just looks and feels forced and fake. I remember, even as a child, seeing the de-evolution guns and recognizing them as spray painted SNES Super Scopes. It’s also the one that started the video game movie craze. That reason alone deserves it to be the first one to stand up in front of our firing squad.
Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, reporter and humorist living in Texas where Uwe Boll is a wanted fugitive.