Movies that Suck: Indiana Jones and the Last of My Patience

indianajones01.jpgIndiana Jones is without a doubt the greatest movie character franchise in history. Fans of other franchises may argue differently to keep their existence in check and their reason for living on life support, but deep down they know it to be true.

So all you hardcore James Bond fans there can just live and let die.

All you Star Trek fans can take your final frontier and shove it right up your deep space nine.

All you die-hard Star Wars fans can go suck an Ewok.

Indiana Jones has been the movie hero by which all movie heroes are measured. He has a trademark weapon, an unmistakable look, a wicked sense of humor even in the deadliest of situations and a will and a spirit that cannot be broken. He’s even taken on Hitler, the biggest and most evil enemy in the history of the universe, twice instead of some drooling, snarling alien with no sense of personal hygiene or a giant masked Jedi who has to wear a special suit that keeps him alive and makes him sound like the fat kid on a little league baseball team.

Most importantly, he has a longevity that can’t be matched. In the past 27 years, only three Indiana Jones films have been released. Other franchises have had to release, re-release and even re-re-release six, 10 or 20 films just to match the level of quality and style of just one of the Indiana Jones films. E.T. had to be remade and ended up softening it. Alien has implanted its eggs into more film projectors and mutated into sequel after mindless sequel. Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, if that title alone doesn’t make you quiver in your skivves, you need to stop reproducing and chances are if you’re that big a Star Wars nerd, you already don’t.

The time is perfect for another film. So when the trailer for the new Indiana Jones movie hit the web last week, I couldn’t have been more excited than a diabetic kid in a sugar free candy store.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been dying to see something at the theater and the Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull trailer was just the adrenaline my heart needed to pump the life back into me. It was just like the Indiana Jones I remembered seeing the trailers and commercials for as a kid: car crashes, whip cracking, the screams of angry German babes, loud punches that sound like someone is punching celery and cabbage with a giant hand made of granite.

Of course, when I first heard another Indiana Jones movie was coming out, a little part of my brain perked up and fired off a warning shot that this may not be such a good thing.

Another Indiana Jones movie with Harrison Ford in the title role is bound to be good. But what happens when it becomes a success, which it most certainly will? Does that mean we could see a fifth, a sixth or even a seventh installment in the franchise? Ford’s 60 years old. What is Indiana Jones going to dig up after the 10th or 11th film? Himself?

Part of me hates to say this but I hope and pray this next Indiana Jones film will truly be his last crusade. I hope Indy saves the day and then right at the last minute, he gets killed in the final frame. I hope he’s crushed under a pile of collapsed Incan ruins as he tries to keep the Nazis from getting their grubby little hands on whatever artifact threatens to destroy the world. I hope he’s shot cold by some hot German Nazi whose ark he raided earlier in the film. Even better, I hope the giant 20 ton boulder he outran in the first movie finally catches up to him, rolls into the frame for no reason whatsoever and squashes him good, then rolls back and runs over him again just for good measure.

I’m not rooting for his death because I want to see him die. I just don’t want to see something so great and something that’s so sparked so much imagination in so many people run past its prime until people hope that it finally dies. Then where will that boulder be when you really need it?

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