Five Reasons Not To See ‘The Happening’

The Happening

Yesterday Josh Radde reminded us that M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening will be hitting theaters this Friday along with The Incredible Hulk. Josh, who gave you permission to talk about that which we do not speak of? If you understood that reference, then you too have sat through the mind-rape of another one of Shyamalan’s films – The Village. Just kidding Josh, if you wan’t to help promote a film for the most over-rated director in Hollywood history, that’s cool. Just don’t try and take everyone’s eyes off of this week’s prize, our favorite big green angry man Hulk. So in order to set the record straight, I give you the Top 5 Reasons Not to See The Happening:

5. Shyamalan Drop’s The Ball Harder With Each Film

Ever since the Sixth Sense, Shyamalan’s films have been falling from grace with fans and critics alike. Just take a look at the IMDB ratings of each film in chronological order: The Sixth Sense – 8.2, Unbreakable – 7.2, Signs – 6.9, The Village – 6.6, Lady In The Water – 6.0. Don’t get me wrong, I liked Unbreakable because I’m a comic fan…but the rest were crap. A wise man once said “There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on – shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.”

4. If You Saw Him On The Street, You Know You Would Punch Him

Shyamalan is pretentious, and you know it. Don’t defend him, just admit it. Every Shyamalan film I have seen has felt like he was sitting a few seats away from me in a hooded sweatshirt and sunglasses trying to disguise himself. Like he was waiting patiently for the “ah hah” moment of the film, so he could stand up and point at me and yell “Hah! I got you good!” and then run out of the theater laughing like a schoolgirl.

3. Shyamalan is Not Alfred Hitchcock

There is a big difference between trying to be like a person, and actually trying to be a person. Hitchcock had very easily recognizable trademarks, and Shyamalan has tried to mimic some of them. For instance Hitchcock made his films for his fans, hence ‘Alfred Hitchcock Presents…’. Shyamalan makes his films to feel smarter than us, hence “M. Night Shyamalan’s…”. Also, when Hitchcock would appear in one of his films as a cameo, it was always funny and tongue in cheek. Shyamalan’s cameos are never fun, just usually creepy or even more pretentious.

2. The Happening Has A Killer Twist

So get this, you know how in the trailer everyone on Earth is mysteriously committing suicide? The twist is that when you walk out of the theater, everyone around you will actually be killing themselves for spending another $10 and precious time of their lives to watch another film from the most overrated director in Hollywood. Can’t you wait? Seriously, the twist could be that Mark Wahlberg is really dead and he hasn’t realized that he is a superhero that can only save the world from aliens if he ventures outside of his private compound to find that he is actually living in modern day times…weird.

1. Hulk Will Be Forced To Smash You

Not only will you feel stupid for going to see The Happening, I will personally guarantee that you will get smashed by Hulk…and I will take your girlfriend home. Going to see The Happening this weekend instead of The Incredible Hulk would be like an NFL team sending in their kicker when they are down by 6 points with :02 seconds left in the game. Not only is it senseless, it still leaves you coming up short. Stop making the same mistake over and over again with Shyamalan’s films, and just go for the sure hit this weekend.

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