Dear Hollywood Producers, Writers and Directors:
I’m writing this letter to you, in hopes it finds you in the middle of JLA, Superman 6, or whatever bastardization of TMNT you think will sell you a few movies. I’m taking a stand. If I wanted my childhood molested any moreâ€¦ I’d offer it candy and a seat in the back of my Jeep.
Electra, Daredevil, X-Men: The Last Stand, Spawn, Dick Tracy, The Hulkâ€¦ Okay, this list is already pissing me off. I’m a 24-year-old guy sitting behind the computer I paid for — I realize that other than the occasional episode of Rocco’s Modern Life that I see, I really have gotten past the childhood I had. Occasionally I go back to the nostalgia of seeing my He-Man set, and Castle Greyskull, or the GI Joe hovercrafts. I have a few Lion-o minis in moving boxes, but that’s the extent. Why can’t we be happy with that? No, you just can’t, can you?
What the hell? X3 was a big steaming pile of cinematic feces. I defy anyone here to find a comic book where Cyclops dies and it’s still the freaking X-Men. Electra stunk of gay so badly, that even blockbuster can’t give it away fast enough. The Hulk? Yeah.. that went over well. My childhood is taking a brutal sphincter pounding, so I’m standing up for it.
League Of Extraordinary Gentleman, Catwoman, Judge Dredd, and Howard the Duck all had comic book fans, and how did they do? They flamed out and crashed in slow, painful box office deaths. Honestly, how much better was GI Joe, or Captain Planet when I was little and watched it the first time? I woke up one day and realized that I used to watch a show that involved the superpower â€œheartâ€ and it made me question not only my sexuality, but the sensibilities of parents worldwide.
You’ll never make movies cooler than they were in the comics. There are occasional aberrations that are $200 million investments because they have to be. Transformers was a mega movie; if it wasn’t, it never would have worked. You’ll never put that much effort into any of the comics I used to love. I’ll reference Batman and Robin if you doubt me.
And now a fellow Reject, Paige just informed me that Thor and Voltron are also in the writing stages of production. That’s it. One is a pre-Power-Rangers robot which was incredibly overrated and painful to watch. The other is a Pseudo-fag with a long blonde mane who will bring his hammer of might andâ€¦ give you aâ€¦ poundingâ€¦ with.. Okay, I can’t finish that.
All in all, do you see where I’m going, Hollywood? For every Transformers, there is Tank Girl, Howard the Duck, and Barb Wire. Don’t put a leash and gimp mask on my childhood. It has been raped enough by teen Hollywood fashion and new TV. If you decide to run train on the remnants of my childhood, lube up and go. Just know, I won’t stand for it.
Crying Rape Against Your Brutish Ways,
P.S. If you’re going to rape my childhood this much, then where the hell is my Carmen Sandiego movie?! Come ON, guys!