Hopefully you’ve voted today on Election Day. We know we did. But what if Barack Obama, John McCain, Sarah Palin, and Joe Biden took off to make it big in Hollywood? FSR casts our ballot on the roles that the players in the Presidential election were born to play.
Rescue Dawn 2
John McCain, the war hero, decides to take his experiences as a prisoner of war to the big screen in the action blockbuster. McCain plays a naval aviator that goes on a rescue mission to save Christian Bale’s character, Dieter Dingler. McCain’s performance is a tearjerker that wins him a Best Supporting Actor nomination at the Academy Awards. But the true gems come from his outtakes with Bale, especially the music video they make for “Hold Me Closer Tiny Dingler.” McCain later denies the video represents a pro-gay marriage stance on his political platform.
Barack Obama Humped My Mama
The sequel to Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Barack Obama finds that he has burned through his campaign contribution money a week before the election. Desperate for a quick buck, Obama resorts to a tactic that will truly defy John McCain’s statement that he can’t reach across the table in politics by making a sex tape with my mother, a hardcore Republican. The tagline “He’s about to paint the White spouse Black” draws criticism, but everyone ultimately agrees that a sequel with Sarah Palin titled Hung Chad is just too good to pass up.
Sex and the Tundra
She has looks and a love for a stylish wardrobe, as evidenced by her spending of 150,000 dollars in two months on clothing and make-up for her, her husband, and her baby boy. Now Sarah Palin is set to deliver the real “straight talk” with the girls from Sex and the City. Charlotte, Miranda, Samantha, and Carrie go on a vacation to Juneau, Alaska in an effort to cool off their loins and their impulsive behaviors. That all changes when a rival sex and love columnist that loves to gossip, played by Gov. Palin, shows up. The climactic scene, an outdoor orgy, ends with Palin riding nude on her horse. And by horse I mean she rides off on Sarah Jessica Parker’s back.
Senator Joe Biden and Governor Sarah Palin get spiritual in this remake of one of the scariest films of all-time. Biden steps in for Max Von Sydow as Father Merrin and is called on to investigate a strange case. A mother, played by Sarah Palin, fears the worst for her pregnant daughter Bristol. It turns out that she has been possessed by the spirit of Ralph Nader and is considering voting for the Green party. Biden draws rave reviews and gives the most memorable line of the year, “I need an old moose and a young moose! The power of straight talk compels you!”
The Air Up There 2
Barack Obama uses his high school varsity basketball background to prepare for his role as a basketball coach on the hot seat. Desperate to hang onto his job, Obama makes a sex tape with my mother, a hardcore Republican. Okay, wrong film. What he really does is trace his Kenyan roots and head to Africa to recruit a 6 foot-10 center with the ability to dunk from beyond the free-throw line. Obama brings the player back and leads his team of high schoolers to a state title. When moviegoers question the underlying tones of slavery within the film, Obama scoffs and says, “You’re gonna jump on my back for this film but you didn’t mind it when Kevin Bacon, a white male, headed to the motherland in the original? Shiiiiitttt.” Critics grudgingly agree with Obama’s statement and “shiiiitttt” becomes the latest slang for celebrities like will.i.am and Scarlett Johansson. It eventually replaces “Yes We Can” as the theme for Barack Obama’s Presidential campaign.
Mighty Ducks 4: Plucking the White House
“She’s never led, they’ve never won. Together they’ll learn everything about winning!” is the tagline for the film. Sarah Palin resurrects this Disney favorite as she leads a ragtag Alaskan hockey team all the way to the National Junior Hockey Championships. There, a Presidential candidate is inspired by her enthusiasm and sees a chance to sway voters that don’t feel Republicans are progressive enough. He takes her onto his Presidential ticket and Palin gives a moving speech in the locker room before the hockey team’s big game. Holding a hockey stick in the air, Palin yells, “let’s stick it to the man!” Audience members walk away from the film not sure if they just saw a Disney film or a documentary of the 2008 Republican National Convention.
Grumpiest Old Men
Senator John McCain, Senator Joe Biden, and Sarah Palin bite the bi-partisan bullet in a celluloid pairing that makes the duo of Robert De Niro and Al Pacino in Righteous Kill look forgettable, as if it wasn’t forgettable enough. McCain and Biden play crotchety neighbors who fight for the affection of an attractive forty-something woman, Governor Sarah Palin, who just moved into town. Hijinx ensue and the two senior citizens are ready to kill each other … until John McCain realizes that he is already married to an attractive lady, played by his real life wife Cindy. Cindy McCain and Sarah Palin begin to read the men the riot act but eventually pack their bags and leave town when they realize both men have fallen asleep in their recliners.
Do the Wright Thing
Spike Lee casts Barack Obama and Reverend Jeremiah Wright in this buddy cop flick that Lee claims is “Starsky and Hutch meets Training Day.” Wright plays the bad cop who can’t play by the rules and Obama is the charming ladies’ man that has to constantly smooth over Wright’s inflammatory remarks with moving speeches to the police chief. Denzel Washington makes a cameo as a grifter with the gift for gab and the result is a scene of dialogue between Obama and Washington that lasts three hours … and not one person leaves the theater.
Babe: Pig in the Senate
All four of our favorite Presidential players go hog wild in this heartwarming film. But instead of talking animals, the story focuses on the famous “You can put lipstick on a pig” quote Barack Obama said. Sarah Palin plays both the babe and the “pig” as a down to Earth, if unprepared, city council member. Rival farmers John McCain and Joe Biden prepare their sheep, aka the voting public that choose to vote based on who their favorite celebrities side with, for the town fair. There they run into Barack Obama, a young and hopeful man that dreams of becoming Mayor. Hopes and fear divide the town as suspicions are raised about Obama’s background. At the town hall Obama tries to explain to the townsfolk that prettying up the town won’t stop the corruption in its heart. But before he can get to the end of the line, “you can put lipstick on a pig,” the town yokels take his advice and do just that, dressing up Wilbur, the town boar. Everyone has a good laugh, all is forgiven, and the greatest hoedown ever takes place that night. Off in the distance Charlotte, a spider with a gift for spinning charming phrases in her web, dies sad and alone.
The Fantastic Four
There’s no need to come up with cute analogies about how John McCain is the Human Torch or anything of that nature. This film would be dedicated to the fact that more of the American public is talking about this election than in recent memory. Barack Obama, John McCain, Sarah Palin, and Joe Biden are all flawed in their own right, but there is no question that the candidates have inspired interest and awakened Americans from the apathy they have been feeling. This election has had a flair for the dramatic. The race for the 2008 Presidency is a story centers around an African-American candidate, a 77 year old war hero, a female Vice Presidential hopeful, and a Senator looking for redemption in a Vice Presidential position after his own dreams of being President faltered in the past. There isn’t a scriptwriter alive that could have written that film and made us believe it. If that doesn’t qualify as fantastic then I don’t know what does.