Let’s all go to the movies! What do you need to bring? A wallet. Your keys. Basically the list is over. I’ll allow your cellphone (turned off!) and a few knickknacks like a watch, a pen, things of that nature. And you can sneak in a little bit of candy to munch on (I won’t tell) or just buy yourself something at the concession stand.

What don’t you need to bring? Here is a short list:

  1. Fast Food
  2. Reading Material
  3. A PDA or other similar device

You’re going to see a 2 hour movie, not live for a weekend in the high country. There is no way you’re getting into the theater long enough that you had to bring that book, my friend. Seriously. It’s either a real great book that you can’t put down (in that case, stay home) or you’re really not looking forward to speaking to anyone and insist on covering your face.

That is, covering your face when you’re not stuffing it with those 6 tacos from Taco Bell. Really? You couldn’t have dinner before you got to the theater? Or maybe just had some popcorn like the rest of us? No, you had to specifically swing by a fast food joint, place that order, and bring it in all stinky and wet in a crinkly plastic bag while you read Lord of the Rings for the sixth time this year. I’m all for sneaking in some chocolate to avoid the price gouging, but sneaking in a meal? I mean come on.

And once the film is over, the people on your myspace page don’t need to know what you thought while the credits are rolling. And if you wait two more seconds you won’t have to light up the theater with your PDA screen while searching IMDB for that girl you’re pretty sure had a cameo in Rollerball. Chill the fuck out, dude. Leave the wireless connection at home.

What happened to the days when going to see a movie was about going to see a movie and enjoying it? Watching previews, eating buttery popcorn, talking excitedly about the upcoming film before the lights go down, and then asking all your friends (who are with you) what they thought.

Now it’s like a job. Well, it’s going to take awhile, better bring a fucking magazine because I can’t be bothered not to know what’s going on in Fangoria until after the show. I’m hungry, but I’ll wait and just take a buffet into the theater and then crumple up the wrappers noisily. I won’t just buy from the concession stand or bring a reasonable snack, dammit, because I have low sugar levels and I have to eat during this film, not snack! And I can’t wait til its over to tell my friends how bad the CGI was. I need to know now if Catherine Bell is single and I must update the wikipedia page on her right now!

Fuck man, just bring a folding table with you next time and some silverware and ask to plug in the laptop. Maybe I’m being harsh, but I think people who go to the movie should just relax and watch the movie. Don’t whizz-bang on the internet or send your emails during the show. Take a breath, wait a minute, do it later. It’s not that important. Don’t smuggle in a stinky mexican fiesta. Relax man, eat dinner before. Eat dinner after. Have some popcorn. You look like an idiot with that Big Mac dripping on yourself. And honestly, bro, you didn’t need the magazine. You didn’t stand in line for 4 hours to get into the matinee of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Maybe I’m just being a jerk to these theater campers, or maybe I’m just past my boiling point.

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