7 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Buy Avatar (and 3 Reasons Why You Should)

Earth Day is coming up this Thursday, the one day of the year where Cole doesn’t throw his beef and cheese burrito wrapper out the window of his car and the only day Kevin Carr holds in his farts, all in the name of saving the Earth.  If ever there was a perfect movie to celebrate Earth Day, it’s… Avatar?? A movie that takes place on NOT EARTH.  Some marketing gimmick. It’s not Pandora Day. Dummies.

Avatar has made more money than any other film in history, but they’re out to get more of yours.  Yes, I know.  If you account for inflation, ticket prices, 3D, or whatever other bit of magical trickery you insist on using, Avatar made less than Gone With The Wind or something.  Putting thoughts of money and painting yourself blue aside, you shouldn’t buy Avatar on Thursday.  Wah, Wah, but it’s so groundbreaking.  Whatever dude.  Here are seven reasons why you shouldn’t buy Avatar.  And three reasons why you should.

1. It’s 2 hours and 42 minutes long

Long movies have little replay value, at least to me.  Scheduling out three hours is a lot different than carving out 90 minutes.  How many times are you going to watch this, when you just saw it 4 months ago?

2. You Don’t Have a 3D TV

Or, you probably don’t.  So you’re going to miss out on the biggest selling point of the movie.

3. You Can Watch Pocahontas Instead

Personally I like the Dances with Wolves comparison more, but there is no denying that Avatar is derivative.  You can get your strange in a strange land fix somewhere else.

4. Furry Vengeance is a Better Earth Day Movie

Okay, I haven’t seen it, but if you have an Earth Day boner, why not watch a real movie about conservation, like Furry Vengeance or Fern Gully?

5. Sex Scene Not Included

Word is that they actually filmed a sex scene between Na’vi Jake and Neytiri.  But you won’t see it here.

6. Fight The Power

This film has already made a billion dollars, why give it anymore?  Live up to your Che t-shirt and fight the power.

7. You’re Going to Buy It Again

If you really like Avatar, you’re going to want the extended release later in the year.  We know that the next release will have FOUR DVDs instead of just one.  It will include somewhere in the area of 40 minutes of deleted scenes (including the nookie) and four hours of bonus footage.

The main point of the article is this — this is an awful DVD release.  There is a ton of footage out there that’s going to be on a late release.  Why shell out $20 when, if you’re a big fan, you’re definitely going to buy it again.  Do yourself a favor, avoid the blatant double dip, and just buy the better edition later.  You can just rent it if you really want to see it again.

Should anyone buy this?  Maybe.  Here are three reasons why you might want to own it early.

1. You Paint Yourself Blue

There’s just no stopping the hardcore fans from buying this.  I have more than one copy of Evil Dead II. I get you, man.

2. You Don’t Have to Watch It All

Thanks to Fast Forward technology and chapter skips, you can move over the slower parts and just watch the awesome battle scenes.

3. You Haven’t Seen It Yet

You could probably just rent it, but if you haven’t seen it yet, you need to.  Not because it’s so great, but because you’re a loner, Dottie, a rebel.  It’s time to join the club.

Are you going to buy Avatar this Earth Day or wait for a better release?

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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