Sylvester Stallone voices a lion, teaches Kevin James how to woo the likes of Leslie Bibb.

Somehow, some way, Zookeeper is going to be a smash hit just like Paul Blart: Mall Cop. And by smash, I’m of course referring to the collective heads of smart people everywhere and their relationships to nearby walls. But remember, Columbia Pictures wouldn’t be making movies like this if movies like Grown Ups didn’t gross $268 million worldwide. It’s our own damn fault. As penance, lets all watch the trailer together.


Zookeeper, as you might have noticed is the story of “Griffin Keyes, the chubby caretaker at Franklin Park Zoo, who is feeling unloved. The smell of elephant poo doesn’t exactly lure the ladies, so he decides it’s time to find a more romance-compatible job. But Griffin discovers just how loved he is when his biggest fans — his zoo animals — break their vows of silence. Their plan is to talk him out of leaving and into the arms of a cute veterinarian. But should he really be taking mating advice from giraffes and monkeys?”

Everyone loves seeing the lovable loser, perpetual role and cash cow for Kevin James, win in ways that he might never in real life. It scratches at the essence of what cinema can be — complete escape from the laws of reality. Only in this case, it’s sad. But if you’re a fan of that sort of thing, or the work of director Frank Coraci (who brought us gems like Click and The Waterboy), this one might be for you. It’s just not for the rest of us.

Zookeeper hits theaters July 8, 2011. It also stars Ken Jeong, Donnie Wahlberg and Joe Rogan. Quick: which one of those names does not belong?

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