I’m probably getting ahead of myself with the title of this post. The news here is that Universal is hoping to relaunch the American Pie franchise back into relevance. No more straight to DVD let-downs promising unrated bacchanalia but delivering nothing but boobs and bodily fluids. No more casts featuring nothing but unknowns and a lonely Eugene Levy. Nope… the American Pie gang is heading back to theaters.

Per 24 Frames, Universal is planning to hire Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg (Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle) to reinvigorate the series with a brand new adventure. No word yet on whether it would be a remake, reboot, rebirth, or sequel, but does it even matter? The original film was actually pretty damn funny, but the two sequels quickly lost all their charm (even though they did each gross more than the first). American Wedding was followed by at least four direct-to-DVD titles including Band Camp and The Naked Mile, and they were all forgettable before they even hit store shelves.

Some have speculated that American Pie 4, which is how it’s “being described in the development community,” will focus on a high school reunion thereby allowing the original cast members to return and shepherd in a new group of sex-starved kids. It could be like the upcoming Ghostbusters reboot except Stifler will be a ghost who shoots phantom jizz into people’s beer glasses. “Some of the original cast is interested in coming back for the new picture” according to sources at 24 Frames, but no names were officially announced yet. Let me go ahead and scoop the inevitable casting announcement here… Levy will be back. Jason Biggs and Chris Klein will obviously be back. Mena Suvari, Natasha Lyonne, and Shannon Elizabeth will probably return. Eddie Kaye Thomas is a wild card, but Seann William Scott and Alyson Hannigan will definitely be unavailable due to scheduling conflicts. And Tara Reid will probably be dead by the time the movie goes into production.

The burning question here though is what wholesome food product will the horniest kid choose to fornicate with? They can’t do a pie again, and donuts are too easy. Van Wilder has already staked its claim with eclairs. So what does that leave? Angel-food cake? A loaf of Wonder Bread? Something outside the realm of baked goods? Spam maybe?

Seriously. The whole idea of a reboot is stupid, but let’s focus on what food can be fucked for laughs. Thoughts and suggestions?


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