We Cast the Expendables Sequel! So Stallone Doesn’t Have To…

With a dominant weekend opening knocking girly films all over the place with its testosterone fueled hyper-aggression, there are about 35 million reasons why The Expendables will get a sequel. Stallone is already said to be plotting out the story and, if rumor is to be believed, has talked to more than one actor about joining the team on their next adventure.

While we trust Sly (with everything but CGI) to cast a fantastic team, once our peanut brains get rolling we can’t stop. Personally I’ve been thinking non-stop about who I’d like to see join the team – or fight against them – in the next installment. Enough bull, let’s talk team!

The current poster for the team included nine action stars, at least one of whom probably isn’t returning. So we figured that means we have to come up with at least 10 new members, and possibly a villain. Because we’re ridiculous.

1. Jean-Claude Van Damme. The muscles from Brussels declined a role in the film, illustrating why he’s not the “brains from Brussels.” Hopefully he has seen the error of his ways and signs up for part two.

2. Michael Jai White. Are you kidding me, sucka? Black Dynamite has got to be on the team. Mostly because Jai White is a scary, scary man.

3. Michael Dudikoff. The 80s had plenty of ninja movies, but none more racistly titled than American Ninja. Just kidding, it’s not racist, and it’s not that good, but it is an essential 80s action film.

4. Wesley Snipes. Originally planned to be Hale Caesar, tax troubles sent Snipes high-tailing it out of the country. Once he sorts all that out, let’s get him geared up and ready to go.

5. Ving Rhames. Based purely on his massive, muscular mass in Dawn of the Dead, Ving would probably best be served by tackling an elephant or boxing a lion.

6. Scott Adkins. A premiere secondary-character (Undisputed II), a fantastic stunt double (X-Men Origins: Wolverine), and upcoming leading action star (Undisputed III, Ninja), Adkins is a world class martial artist with amazing on-screen moves.

7. Quinton Jackson. He made a few UFC backed films and scored a prominent role in A-Team. Bad ass.

8. Carl Weathers. One of the only men to ever come close to showing up Arnold Schwarzenegger (Predators), Weathers needs to get back into the action fray.

9. Jesse Ventura. Another Predator alum, Jesse fits all the criteria: action star, old, and washed up. ZING. (Please don’t kill me)

10. Steven Seagal. Besides Van Damme, he’s the only “big time” 80s action star missing. Well, except for…

11. Chuck Norris. I just want a cameo from Norris. He has put acting in the back seat of late, but it’s a perfect time for him to appear in film again. The way I see the cameo playing out is 4 or more Expendables bust into a room. Norris is there alone. He slowly turns and locks eyes with them. Stallone speaks up. “Wrong room.” And they leave him be – because he’s that bad ass.

12. Tom Jane. Whether Punishing John Travolta or sharks, Jane has shown he has the athleticism to tackle tough roles. Let’s put his penis back in his pants (Hung) and get a real rifle in his hands.

Jump to the next page for a super secret thirteenth Expendable and our wild card selections…


13. Isaiah Mustafa. Who? The Old Spice Guy. Yes, the Old Spice Guy. Everyone loves this guy’s commercials and studios are looking for some place to put him to capitalize on his fame. It’s almost too good not to put him in here. How many jokes can you make about diamonds and smelling good? A lot. Who would he play? Simple: Hale Caesar’s (Terry Crews) brother, who was just kicked out of the Army Rangers. Sly, if you’re listening….

The Wild Cards

I could go on and on suggesting people for Expendables 2. So much so that I still have six names on my list. No way we’d ever get all these dudes into the film – unless there was a second team! Maybe they’re called the Wild Cards and we see them in a cameo. Or maybe these people take on big cameo roles, like Schwarzenegger, or otherwise get in the film. Really, I just don’t want to edit my list.

1. Kurt Russell. Russell apparently turned down a chance for Tango & Cash 2 and a role in the first Expendables, so he should reteam with Stallone briefly in the sequel for old times sake. Plus he’s awesome.

2. Peter Weller. Robocop. Nuff said.

3. Michael Bien. Basically anyone who was ever in a Schwarzenegger movie is an automatic in for this flick.

4. Robert Patrick. To replace Eric Roberts, maybe?

5. Roddy Piper. Just in case we haven’t had enough old wrestlers.

6. Clint Eastwood. Just a cameo again here, either as some super high up boss or the leader of an even older team of mercenaries.

7. Mel Gibson. I’m not kidding. Mel has an extensive action repetoire and needs to fix the public opinion of him. What better way than Mad Maxing it up with the Expendable army?

8. An Entirely CGI Charles Bronson. Now, I am kidding.

Who would you cast in The Expendables 2?

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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