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Video Proof ‘G.I. Joe’ Ruins Cobra Commander

CobraCommander

The Japanese trailer for this summer’s impending cluster fuck G.I. Joe is online now and the boys at Cinematical tracked it down for us.  In this shorter trailer we get our first glimpse of “The Doctor” played by Joseph Gordon “I Must Have a Gambling Addiction or else I Wouldn’t Have Taken This Role” Levitt, who apparently becomes Cobra Commander.  The rest of the trailer is all basically stuff we’ve seen before – Power Ranger suits, Marlon “Wuts it acclarate” Wayans, and generally bad acting.  I do appreciate the fireballs, but I refuse to get any semblance of a singular hope up that this film will be good.

While I have your ear, or eyes, let me say this – what the fuck is wrong with this stupid movie?  “The Doctor” is apparently Cobra Commander despite the fact that his name and his appearance clearly mark him as Dr. Mindbender.  Seriously.  I want to unleash a stream of expletives so Sasha Fierce that I’d be censored by the FCC.  This is just mindbending mind bogglingly stupid.  Cobra Commander can be a bad ass.  He has a look.  Either a sweet reflective helmet or a simple yet cool hood.  He is not some scared freak with a God damn oxygen mask on.  In closing, fuck you Stephen Sommers and fuck you Ellen Mirojnick (Costume Designer).

What do you think of this abomination?

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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