You know, everyone gets all excited about the Oscars every year, but really, isn’t it all just so boring? Once again, the show confirmed that it’s fairly easy to pick all the winners months in advance, with even our own Grand Poobah Neil Miller scoring a perfect 100% in the office pool (which I suspect was rigged since the score sheet I was given had Space Chimps as a contender for Best Picture). So what is the answer to such banality? Why, the Razzies, of course!
Every year the Golden Raspberries delight in a way that the Oscars can only dream about. I mean, sure, we all saw Slumdog Millionaire as a lock for Best Picture, but with Hollywood churning out so many real turds each year, being awarded the Razzie for Worst Picture is a real honor. Hell, you have to beat out 95% of the films released in a year. Now that is quite the accomplishment. So go read the Rejects’ Oscar coverage, Robert Fure’s Oscars-inspired Boiling Point, or Cole Abaius’ 14 Things We Learned From The Oscars, if you are so inclined. I’m sure those guys thought they were really important writing it all up from the bow of their stupid little boat with those bikini girls they cherish so much. In the meantime, I will give ya’ll the scoop from the real awards: the motherfucking Razzies.
Worst Career Achievement – Uwe Boll
What a way to begin, with a man near and dear to my heart. The name Uwe Boll has become synonymous with two things: absolutely horrendous video game adaptations and someone who, after being criticized, challenged a critic to a boxing match and promptly knocked him the fuck out. I’m not worried though, because I have nothing but love for Mr. Boll. Well, that’s a lie, but I am smart enough to not accept a boxing challenge from this scary motherfucker. The Razzies ruined his life? Great, now he’s even scarier, because he’s been backed into a creative corner!
Worst Screenplay – The Love Guru (Mike Myers and Graham Gordy)
The Love Guru, as you will see, was this year’s darling at the Razzies. The Golden Raspberry Award Foundation loves a rags-to-riches story just as much as the Academy, so it’s no surprise they fell in love with The Love Guru. And why not? Mike Myers is charmingly terrible, Jessica Alba is sexy and unimpressive, and Justin Timberlake prances around with an expertly laid out package. It’s enough to make one stand up and cheer…when the film was over.
Worst Director – Uwe Boll (1968: Tunnel Rats, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, and Postal)
Are we surprised? Uwe can put out more trash in a year than a questionable Chinese restaurant in Brooklyn. What I want to know is how he talks some of these actors into appearing in his movies. It can’t all be for a payday. Do a commercial, do an animated film, do something other than being in one of Boll’s movies. Don’t these people have agents or managers?
Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off, or Sequel – Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Who says the Razzies don’t have drama? This one took me completely by surprise. It’s not every day that Steven Spielberg is honored with a Razzie, and I’m not sure he deserved this one. Was the new Indie really worse than Disaster Movie or Speed Racer? I think this may be one for the books. Disaster Movie totally got robbed on this one, and I will be starting up an internet campaign shortly to let the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation know of my disappointment.
Worst Screen Couple – Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore (The Hottie and the Nottie)
Now this is awkward. Who gets to accept the award with Paris? Do all three of them go up there? I can only imagine that conversation. “Our relationship was totally worse.” “Wow, no fucking way, I actually had to kiss her, with the real threat of some sort of viral transmission.” It’s really a “lose/lose” situation, folks. Hey, maybe the acceptance speech will turn into a Miller Lite commercial and people’s clothes will get ripped off. Well, everyone except the dude’s, of course.
Worst Supporting Actor – Pierce Brosnan (Mamma Mia!)
Oh, Pierce. You were so delightfully funny in The Matador. And you were James Bond, for fuck’s sake. How did it ever come to this?
Worst Supporting Actress – Paris Hilton (Repo: The Genetic Opera)
Score number two for Paris tonight! I didn’t get the chance to see Repo this year, but from what I hear, it wasn’t bad. So I can only assume Paris was honored because she was a vortex of shit in an otherwise decent movie. Perhaps every time she came onscreen all the emotion, creativity, and intelligence just sort of gravitated toward her and was destroyed, kind of like a black hole. (Note: I refrained from making a sex tape joke here, so you should do the same)
Worst Actress – Paris Hilton (The Hottie and the Nottie)
An acting category sweep! Bet you can’t boast about that, Academy, and if you can, well then I apologize because I am too lazy to go look it up. Paris has had quite the couple of years. Though I doubt the honor of such a wonderful showing at the Razzies really equals her street cred from that time in the slammer. Am I the only one who thought she looked like a vengeful psychopathic serial killer in that mug shot? Maybe it was just bad acting.
Worst Actor – Mike Myers (The Love Guru)
Mike should be really proud of himself this year. Beating out both Eddie Murphy and Larry the Cable Guy? That doesn’t just take shitty acting. That takes a real commitment to rolling around in manure and squishing it between your toes before every take. Maybe it’s time to hang it up, Myers?
Worst Picture – The Love Guru
Let me show you the nominees so you can see just how terrible The Love Guru had to be to take this award: Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans (a joint nominee), The Happening, The Hottie and the Nottie, and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. Wow, I started passing wallpaper-peeling flatulent just typing out that list. It’s a collection of movies so powerfully shitty that my own small intestine began to spasm uncontrollably. This is exactly why the Razzies are so superior to the Oscars. Because let’s be honest, any movie in that list could have taken the Worst Picture award. It left me on the edge of my seat, and the Oscars haven’t done that since Shakespeare in Love won Best Picture, and only then because I dropped my bottle opener under the couch and had to scoot forward a bit to retrieve it.
And there you have it, folks. The 29th Annual Golden Raspberry Awards. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom and check my underwear.