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‘Twilight’ Success Drives Stake Through Remake Of ‘Near Dark’

I never expected to be saying this, but thank you Twilight.

Sure, you’ve successfully lowered the bar dramatically when it comes to the quality of bestselling fiction and film.  And yes, you’ve taught an entire generation of young girls that it’s okay to be subservient towards your superior (and sparkly) male counterparts.  And okay, you’ve implied that abstinence is sexy without clarifying if oral counts as sex, which is going to confuse a lot of young girls and allow them to be swayed by persistent boyfriends.  Which is actually okay by your standards as the girl should eventually succumb to all of the boy’s whims and desires anyway.  But I digress…

But now you’ve actually done something worthwhile for the rest of the world.  According to Empire Online, Twilight‘s success has actually forced the shutdown of an upcoming film in development.  That film was an unnecessary remake of Near Dark, Kathryn Bigelow’s 1987 classic tale of vampires in the Midwest.  Brad Fuller, the Platinum Dunes producer behind the remake, explains the reasoning behind the film’s demise.

Near Dark is probably not going to happen.  I think that Twilight was the same type of thing we were going for although Near Dark was a much darker, sexier, rated R version of that. But I’m concerned that, conceptually, that Near Dark and Twilight are too similar in terms of a vampire movie. For now, that movie is on hold.  The concept of ‘one person’s a vampire, the other person isn’t and they’re in love,’ with the success of that film [Twilight], we would not measure up. It’s not the right time to make that.”

A remake of a film that still holds up perfectly well was a bad idea in the first place, but if Twilight is even remotely “the same type of thing” that they were going for with the new Near Dark then this is fantastic news indeed.  So thank you Twilight, and Stephenie Meyer, and all you fans of mediocrity!  Thank you!

Are you as thrilled by this news as I am?  Show your appreciation by hugging a Twitard!  Then try cajoling her into a handjob while the two of you watch Near Dark.

Rob is the Chief Film Critic of Film School Rejects. He doesn't eat cheese on weekdays.

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