We like to make jokes about Sylvester Stallone and his age, but you’ll never catch us doing this to his face. He’d kick our asses from here to Burma.
Still, we love the guy, and in honor of the release of Rambo, we wanted to pay homage to Stallone and the other old farts we see in the news that could still knock some sense into us. And by “old,” we mean over 50. So shut your whiney cake-holes about Jet Li and Jean Claude Van Damme. They still got a few years to go.
Flame on! Oh, and fuck the Spartans!
10. Mel Gibson, age 52
No matter how old this guy gets, we’ll still be scared he’ll go all Martin Riggs on us. Would he still be able to kick our asses? I think he would, if he were drunk and we were Jewish.
9. Ian McShane, age 65
He was the ultimate Western badass in Deadwood, and he kicked the crap out of Andy Samberg in Hot Rod. The only chance of winning against this old fart is to learn that tai chi move that makes your opponent shit his pants.
8. Hulk Hogan, age 54
This guy could be in a wheelchair, and he’d still scare the shit out of us. And while we think his daughter Brooke is a total hottie, you won’t catch us saying that anywhere near the Hulk.
7. Dolph Lundgren, age 50
Just barely making the age cutoff, this Swedish warrior could eat us for breakfast, crap us out, then dine on us again for dinner. He’s actually quite smart, with a master’s degree in chemical engineering, so not only could he beat us up, but he could blow us up too.
6. John McCain, age 72
Sure, he’s not an actor, but he’s been on Saturday Night Live, so we’ll give him a bye. This former POV and tough guy steals the show each presidential election. You almost want to vote for him, then you’re afraid he might have a Rambo-style flashback in the middle of his first cabinet meeting. Throw Howard Dean into the mix, and you have the unstoppable bipartisan badass brigade.
5. Arnold Schwarzenegger, age 60
We know that Arnie is more about physique and looking good, but even if he’s not an expert fighter, he could squeeze our heads in his bicep curl and pop them like zits.
4. Brendan Gleeson, age 52
Another Irish badass takes the stage. Look for this hulking tough guy in any movie that has people fighting with broadswords. Gleeson is the kind of guy that makes you feel completely safe when he shows up on your side in the middle of a bar fight, no matter how many drunk soccer players are attacking you.
3. Jackie Chan, age 53
The coolest thing about how Jackie Chan would kick our asses is that he would do it while making us laugh. As he decapitates us, we’d be howling, “Holy shit! You’re gonna kill me with a wagon wheel!”
2. Sylvester Stallone, age 61
Last year, he showed us he could kick ass in Rocky Balboa. This year, he did it again in Rambo. Doped up on HGH, this guy is unstoppable.
1. Chuck Norris, age 67
There’s no doubt about it. No one could take on Chuck Norris. He wouldn’t just kick our ass. He’d walk in the room, fart and kill us without laying a hand on us. This guy will still be scary when he’d 98 years old.
Robert Blake, age 74 – Hey, he killed someone, all right? Who wouldn’t be afraid of him?
Steven Seagal, age 66 – Yeah, right. He may have been a great martial artist once, but we think we could just outrun him now.