Last week, Esquire magazine announced that it has named Charlize Theron as the Sexiest Woman Alive. While we think Charlize is definitely sexy, we don’t necessarily agree with the whole sexiest alive business. We’re certain that our top picks just couldn’t be had for the photo shoot.
As we prepared our list of the sexiest women alive, we realized that it could never be accurate. After all, that’s pretty all-encompassing. Who knows if there’s some stripper from Kokomo, Indiana or some 18-year-old girl from Bangladesh who is sexier than anyone else in the world.
To keep things on an even keel, the Fat Guys at the Movies have narrowed the field down to the leading ladies of American cinema, and we’re pretty confident that these gals are the sexiest out there.
10. Elisha Cuthbert
Yeah, she’s been in a lot of crap, but who can deny the sexiness of this lady. We remember her best for The Girl Next Door and for the high school fantasy for Luke Wilson in Old School.
9. Salma Hayek
Robert Rodriguez be praised! It was he who introduced the world to sexy Salma in Desperado, offering us one of the steamiest love scenes she’s done right out of the gate. Even the unibrow in Frida wasn’t enough to ugly her down.
8. Charlize Theron
See, we had her on the list, but just not at number one. It was Fat Guy Neil Miller who changed his tune when he saw the Esquire photos. And while she looked like shit in Monster, North Country and now In the Valley of Elah, we both agree that this South African is still a sexy little number.
7. Halle Berry
Here’s a shout-out to an Ohio girl who still has what it takes to rev our engines. Neil got blown off by her at the Perfect Stranger junket, and Kevin still isn’t talking about his possible involvement in her pregnancy.
6. Kate Beckinsale
Underwold, Underwold: Evolution and Van Helsing. We love Kate in leather!
5. Jaime Pressley
Kevin has had his eye on this little tart long before she won an Emmy for My Name Is Earl. Sexy tattoos, big eyes and a hot little body put the white trash icon on the list.
4. Scarlett Johansson
Kevin disagreed with Scarlett’s placement on the list, especially above Jaime Pressley. But a quick image search on the Internet by Neil at least showed him that she’s not one to be missed in the magazines. Not the greatest actress alive, but definitely sexy.
3. Monica Bellucci
We don’t care how old she is. Monica Bellucci is smoking hot. Even when she’s playing the Virgin Mary. From The Matrix Reloaded to Shoot ‘Em Up, Monica makes us hungry for Italian food.
2. Jessica Biel
Like Elisha Cuthbert, Jessica Biel is not known for her steller acting career. But she is known for her hot-to-trot body. Even films like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Stealth were watchable thanks to her skimpy outfits.
1. Jessica Alba
The second name in the Jessica troika (sorry to Jessica Simpson, but she failed to make the list) is a name that strikes horniness in the hearts of men everywhere. We’re still waiting for that obligatory, yet artsy, nude scene. But in the mean time, we’ll keep her around because she’s just the sexiest woman alive in cinema.
Eva Mendes, Fat Guy Kevin Carr’s sister claims she looks too manish, but we think that’s because she’s jealous. Eva is awesome, especially when she’s showing a lot of cleavage, as she did in Ghost Rider.
Natalie Portman, Yeah, she kinda looks like a twelve-year-old boy (but Neil likes that), and her nude scene in Wes Anderson’s Hotel Chevalier was kinda lame. But remember that hooker outfit in V for Vendetta, or that stripper outfit in Closer? Yummy, yummy!