Stop Dane Cook: A Campaign to Protect Our Children

There’s a threat facing America, and the world at large. It’s not as high profile as other issues. You don’t see it talked about on the news like you do the Iraq war. You don’t hear the President address it like he does global terrorism. You don’t hear the CDC put out any alerts about it.

But it’s out there, it’s a threat to the very fabric of our entertainment sensibilities and it is going unchecked, reaching epidemic levels.

The threat, my friends, is Dane Cook.

Not his stand-up, mind you. I have no beef with that. But as a Hollywood leading man, he must be stopped.

Hollywood has tapped Cook to be the new go-to guy for romantic roles. But after “Employee of the Month,” “Good Luck Chuck” and the upcoming “Dan in Real Life,” the atrocities of his acting is clear.

I have been asked whether Dane Cook is as deadly as AIDS, or as dangerous as breast cancer, or as emotionally crippling as autism. That I cannot answer. Let history be the judge.

But I will tell you this. Dane Cook is a threat to life as we know it. While this seems to be an exaggeration, it is not. I know I have fallen into despair and wanted to commit suicide after seeing some of his films. And the word from the Hollywood underbelly is that Owen Wilson may have been driven to suicide after learning that Dane Cook got the lead in “Good Luck Chuck,” which also gave him the chance to make out with Jessica Alba.

Is there no justice in the world? Not when Dane Cook continues to make movies.

Like the communist threat in the 1950s, Dane Cook’s acting endangers the hearts, minds and souls of our children. We can only hope that the Congress will soon launch an oversight committee on the dangers of him becoming a screen legend.

In the mean time, I have started an awareness ribbon campaign. People need to know how bad his movies are, and if you look at his box office receipts, it’s clear he’s not doing enough to make people aware of this. People should wear the special brown Stop Dane Cook ribbon at all social, media and public functions.

Here is what you can do to spread the word. Email with your mailing address to request your ribbon today. Film School Rejects will even pick up the $0.35 that it will cost to get this thing shipped to you!! How about that?!

Spread the word. Do your part. Stop Dane Cook.

Kevin Carr crawled from the primordial ooze in the early 1970s. He grew up watching movies to the point of irritation for his friends and was a font of useless movie knowledge until he decided to put that knowledge to good use. Now, Kevin is a nationally syndicated critic, heard on dozens of radio stations around the country, and his reviews appear in a variety of online outlets. Kevin is also a proud member of the Broadcast Film Critics Association (BFCA), the Online Film Critics Society (OFCS), and the Central Ohio Film Critics Association (COFCA).

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