governor

Seeing as the modern world is a thoroughly ridiculous place and modern culture is almost completely bankrupt of any sense or reason, there’s been a precedent set in modern politics that if an action movie star runs for governor of a state, probably he’s going to win the election. We saw it when Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura went from spouting catch phrases in Predator and playing frozen criminals in Demolition Man to governing the great state of Minnesota, we saw it when Arnold Schwarzenegger took some time off from portraying the ultimate killing machine in various shoot ‘em ups in order to steer the political future of California, and now there’s some indication that the same sort of political love connection could be made between the state of Arizona and Hollywood actor/Aikido expert Steven Seagal.

In an interview with Phoenix’s ABC affiliate, ABC 15 [via The Wrap], Seagal told reporters that he would “remotely consider” running for governor. Granted, he also stated that he has, “a lot more other responsibilities that may be more important to address,” so it would seem that this idea is still at the germination stage—and any sort of campaign he runs would have to figure out how to address past controversies involving his raiding people’s homes with tanks and keeping women as sex slaves, so it’s not a shoe-in that he would be elected—but if there’s any chance at all that the citizens of Arizona could get a man with as impressive a ponytail and arm-breaking skills on the level of Seagal to run their state, then they should do everything they can starting now to make such a thing happen.

Why would a guy like Seagal make for such a great leader for the people of Arizona? There are about a million reasons, and all we have to do is look at his filmography for them to become clear.

First off, Seagal has a lengthy history of supporting small business owners, and in an economy as tumultuous and challenging as the one we’re living in right now, the little guy needs all the help he can get from those in power in order to stay afloat and keep our middle class from disappearing. Here’s a clip from Seagal’s very first starring role, in Above the Law, where he proves that he was already an advocate for small business all the way back in 1988. Here he’s playing a righteous lawman who helps out a local shop owner by arresting a gang of criminals who were operating in the vicinity of his business and possibly driving away customers. Three cheers for Steven Seagal, champion of the little guy.

Secondly, Seagal wouldn’t be one of those governors who just sat in office collecting a paycheck and basking in the notoriety that a high-ranking political position affords you. He wouldn’t just do the bare minimum necessary to avoid impeachment and then spend the rest of his time golfing. Seagal’s willingness to roll up his sleeves and pitch in where needed is probably best exemplified in this clip from Under Siege, where he takes it upon himself to fight off an entire crew of terrorists who are trying to take over a Navy battleship, even though he was originally put on board to just be a cook. Just a cook—imagine what he could accomplish if elected governor.

Another big reason the guy would make a great governor is that his morality has always been in line with the family first viewpoint that’s so important to so many Americans. We see countless political ads every election cycle touting how much of a “family man” the various empty suits running for office are, but what ad from a possible Seagal opponent could be more effective than this footage from Under Siege 2: Dark Territory where he gets into a knife fight with a mercenary on a moving train in order to save the life of his niece, Katherine Heigl, who has been taken hostage? Nobody even likes Katherine Heigl, and this guy was still willing to put his life on the line in order to save her and keep family first (an interesting, outside the box idea: maybe let him govern from a kitchen?).

Running an entire state is the type of challenging job that can take a serious toll on someone over time, both mentally and physically, so it’s important that a populace hires a governor with strong recuperative abilities and a very rigid training regiment in order to make sure that they can make it to the end of a full-term, and the people of Arizona can do no better in those respects than if they were to elect Seagal. In Hard to Kill this guy couldn’t even be stopped by having his family brutally slaughtered in front of him while his body was riddled with dozens of bullets, because he’s a regular practicer of the ancient Asian arts of acupuncture and blasting your guns with a serious-ass stack of free weights. No matter what challenges this guy faced over the course of his term as governor, he’d be able to meditate and punch boards until he handled them, and that’s the kind of assurance we need from our elected officials.

Probably most importantly though, the biggest crisis that’s facing the world today is that the plankton is dying, and if Arizona were to elect Steven Seagal as their governor, they would instantly be able to lay claim to having a state leader who is more concerned with the environment than any other in the country. Anyone who doesn’t believe that needs to look no further than the rousing call to action Seagal gave at the end of one of his very best films, On Deadly Ground. This is a man who is not only fully committed to doing battle with the evil oil companies, he’s also not afraid to stand up in public and call them out for their world-destroying actions, no matter how big of a detriment that may be to his ability to raise campaign funds.

This public display of brass balls, as well as the ease with which he rocks a fringe jacket, should be proof enough on their own that Seagal is not just the star of dozens upon dozens of top-notch action films, and not just a reality TV policeman, but also one of the most qualified political candidates that’s popped up in decades. Mr. Seagal, I implore you, please take this notion to run for governor past the idea phase and start taking concrete actions to make it happen. The people of Arizona need you. And to those Arizona citizens in need of strong leadership, I would implore you with equal fervor to go out and support Seagal’s potential candidacy should he eventually decide to make this dream become a reality, but let’s be honest here, you don’t have to be told by me to vote an action star into the top political office in your state. We’re Americans—it’s what we do.


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