Movies that Suck: How ‘The Grinch’ Almost Ruined Christmas

(With no apologies to Dr. Seuss, because, hey, he’s dead. What’s he going to do to me?)

Every Who’s Who
Down in Whollywood
Profit off Christmas a lot

But the who-heads
That headed Whoniversal
Had NOT!

The heads hated Christmas! The whole lousy season!
No one had to ask why, they all knew the reason.
Their holiday movies were never quite right.
Their holiday movies made us nauseous on sight.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that their profits were two sizes too small.

Whether the audience,
Felt ripped off or screwed,
They sat in their board room, hearing the boos,
Staring down from their chairs, plotting on towns
To release Christmas films that make audiences frown.
For they knew every Who’s Who in Whollywood, they say
Were making a movie for the Christmas day.

“And they’re releasing their films!” they snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow’s Thanksgiving! Christmas is already here!”
Then they growled, with their money stained fingers drumming,
“I must find a way to keep audiences coming!”

For, Christmas, they knew everyone and their kin
Would watch movies all day. They would watch them all!
They’d watch “Scrooged” and “Charlie Brown’s Christmas.”
They’d watch “A Christmas Story” and Dicken’s “Christmas Carol.”

And they’d laugh! And they’d cry!
And they’d sigh! Sigh! Sigh! Sigh!
And the more the board thought of the short ticket lines,
The more the board thought, “We must try to make something!
“Why for years, the film’s we made did all suck!
“We must try to film something!
But what?”

Then they got an idea!
An awful idea!
The board
Got an awful, horrible idea!

“I know just what we’ll do,” the board announced with a grin.
Their secretary was called to send Ron Howard in.
And he pitched and he pitched, “Let’s do a ‘Grinchy’ remake”
And the board licked their chops as Mr. Howard did spake.

“All we need is a doofus
To play the lead role.”
And they live in Whollywood where doofusi are ten-fold.
The board hired Jim Carrey
To dress as the Grinch.
“We’ll have our revenge and makes audiences flinch,”
The board said as they laughed in sheer evil glee.
They wanted our Christmas to not be merry.

They hired some writers
To type up a script
With jokes that are deader
Than Cary Grant in his crypt.

Then the film was complete,
And premieres were abound
On screens near and far
Invading all towns.

People knew it would suck while they stood in long lines
But some had no choice, the book was a favorite for all time
And they had to see why Whoinversal would commit such a crime.
“This is just phase one,” the board members hissed,
“Now we’ll make everyone really feel miffed.”

They made tons of Grinch toys, books and video games
And sold them at prices that were really insane.
The parents all bought them for kids that were crying
That they didn’t love them if they weren’t out for them buying.
They all wanted Grinch goodies for Christmas this year.
It looked like our sanity soon wouldn’t be here.

No one liked watching it, not even the critics
Who gave it no stars, the hateful, old cynics.
But we all ignored them. “They’re wrong!” we all cried.
“They gave ‘Gigli’ two stars, now look how they’ve lied.”
But we’d all get in line, buy our tickets and see
That the ones who were wrong really was we.

They did the same thing
To theaters near you

And sent it
Without care
Of it’s negative view.

But the Christmas season had passed
And ‘The Grinch” was a hit.
God, this movie was lousy
And our asses felt kicked.
Our asses felt beaten and whipped and sore and slapped!
Our asses felt used and abused and tortured and capped!

Thirty million apiece is what the Who-heads had earned
For “The Grinch” and making out butts feel burned.
“Pooh-pooh on all you!” the board loudly had said.
“That’s what we all did! Right on top of your heads.
“We never cared of what our movies you think,
“We know they all suck, that they’re stupid and stink.”

“Losers!,” the board cried out loud.
“That’s what you all are here!
“For seeing ‘The Grinch.'” And the board put a hand to their ear
To hear all the sneers from the people so mad.
But the sound that they heard really wasn’t that bad.

They stared down at the towns.
And much to their surprise,
They could hardly look,
What they saw made them doubt their own eyes.

For every whoever in America, the tall and the small,
Weren’t sad or upset or disappointed at all.
They hadn’t hurt anyone this Christmas it seems.
Somehow or other, they didn’t feel all that had!

And the board stood staring at the towns in the snow,
Stood wondering and thinking, “How could this be so?
“They aren’t looting or rioting or feeling all sad!
“They aren’t screaming or shouting or killing their Dad!”
So they looked far and wide for the cause of their strife,
And learned they were watching, “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
“Merry Christmas movie house!” James Stewart did wail.
“And you Bailey Building and Loan that will soon put me in jail.”

And what happened then?
Well in Whollywood they say
That the board’s raging anger
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute the vein in their head was to break,
They said to themselves, “Let’s do a remake!
“Of this Christmas movie since we’ve got no soul.”
And they…

Offered Rob Schneider the lead role.

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