Hey, you. Yes, you. No, not that person behind you who seems curiously intent on strangling you with a stand of fishing line. You. I’m guessing you are here because you want to know what’s going on in the world of movies? And chances are you’ve had about enough of the “Film School Rejects attitude” seen in other, more wordy editorials. I’m here to rescue you and give you only the news that you crave as we both stare up at the moon together. And just as you realize that the guy behind you was, in fact, killing you this whole time, you are also going to realize something else: I’m delivering the news with attitude, as well. What can I say, it’s late…

The “first” “images” of new Peter Parker Andrew Garfield have appeared on the web. In the hot paparazzi shots, the world’s next Spider-Man is seen sitting on a set of bleachers with his lady Gwen Stacy, played by a very blonde Emma Stone. These photos aren’t much — which is why we created this nightly news column. Can you believe that some sites dedicated an entire article to these? Yeesh.

One interesting Hansel — in this case Jeremy Renner — deserves an equally dynamic Gretel, especially when they will be starring together in Tommy Wirkola’s Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. For the purposes of this exercise though, Clash of the Titans babe Gemma Arterton will have to do.

A recent interview with January Jones has revealed several things about her Emma Frost character from Matthew Vaughn’s X-Men: First Class. On one hand, she’s buff: “I’m thinking, ‘I’m supposed to be doing crunches on the plane. How am I gonna get buff in one day?” And thirdly, she’s nothing like Betty Draper: “She’s so, so far from Betty and from ‘Mad Men,’ and it takes place in that time but it doesn’t feel like a period movie.” Interpret that however you like.

With $1.89 billion dollars earned at the box office in 2010, Warner Bros. has been crowned Hollywood champion. While impressive, that number is not quite the $2.1 billion it earned to take the same honor in 2009. Number two on the list was Paramount, who brought in $1.67 billion. Man, they are going to miss Marvel and Dreamworks in years to come.

McG will direct the Michael Bay produced Ouija movie. It will be written by the guys who penned TRON: Legacy and take heavy influence from movies like The Mummy. Sweet baby Jesus, that could not possibly sound worse. Or could it? (“Starring Brendan Fraser”)

“The Old Man” episode of Seinfeld, a classic in a show of classic numbers, was built on the shoulders of Bill Erwin, who died this week from age-related causes. He was a wonderful character actor who had over 200 roles to his name.

Roger Ebert has announced that he will fill the spot on his new At the Movies television show (vacated by Elvis Mitchell) with 24-year old blogger and critic Ignatiy Vishnevetsky, who as you will read from his bio on Ebert’s site is an overachiever to an annoying degree. He will no doubt be a highlight of the show, but mostly because his name is difficult to pronounce.

The annual stink-fest known as The Razzies has announced its nominees this week, including a new category for the worst eye-gouging misuse of 3D. Among the front-runners for worst picture of the year are Jonah Hex, Little Fockers, The Last Airbender and (surprisingly) The Expendables. Wait, how’d that last one get in there? I’m calling shenanigans.

We close our evening’s programming with a Brisk (you’ll get it in a moment) look at the plot of the recently released to Blu-ray actioner Machete, starring Danny Trejo, done adorably in claymation. It’s another one of those fancy commercials from the folks at Lipton Brisk Iced Tea. Which is delicious. Moral of the story: Machete doesn’t text, but he does wash his hands. He is also more entertaining in 65-seconds of claymation than he is in 90+ minutes of live-action. I’m just saying.


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