It’s time to send a red alert out to annoying douche bags who think they’re funny all over the world: Hitfix has broke the news tonight that comedic actor Mike Meyers has closed a deal to make a fourth Austin Powers movie. I understand that it’s been a long time since you’ve had a chance to bust out the impression. Somewhere around 1999 it started to get a little bit passé to do the Austin Powers voice. Somehow, the reaction you got from asking people if they made you horny started to dwindle from all out guffaws to polite chuckles. I know; I didn’t understand it either. But luckily, it didn’t matter. That summer the character of Austin Powers was back in The Spy Who Shagged Me, and this time Meyers brought one of his tried and true Scottish accents to the party and introduced the character of Fat Bastard to the world. Suddenly, the best way to get a quick laugh at a social gathering was to tell people that you ate a baby, and all was right with the world.
Life was good after that, unfunny people rode the Fat Bastard wave for quite a while, but in time even that faded. This time things wouldn’t turn around so quickly for class clowns and drunken boobs, however. In 2002 Austin Powers returned for a third film, Goldmember, but I don’t think I even saw it. And I certainly don’t remember anybody quoting funny lines to me that Goldmember said. Or, at least, if they did I wasn’t aware of it. Things got even worse in 2008 when instead of releasing a fourth Austin Powers movie Meyers made The Love Guru instead. It kind of seemed like it was in the same vein as an Austin Powers, but instead of giving me funny things to parrot, while I was watching it I started to get the impression that the movie had contempt for me. Why was Mike Meyers doing this to me? I didn’t sign up for Mariska Hargitay name-dropping and dick jokes… I want funny voices!
The Love Guru seemed to be the end of the line of Meyers and my comedic symbiosis. But maybe now, finally, he’ll make amends. Listen Mike, things are pretty dry over here. I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to comedy. How am I supposed to be able to keep yelling hilarious catch phrases when I get drunk in bars if you don’t make any more movies? This announcement of Austin Powers 4 is a good step in the right direction, but please assure me that you’re going to be talking about sex and poo-poo in this one; perhaps in some sort of offensive Asian accent. I haven’t been able to pick a girl up at a frat party in years and I need this.