Editor’s Note: When long-time contributor Paul Sileo said that he wanted to stretch his legs and create something “different” and “fresh” for Halloween, we weren’t sure what to think. But when he delivered this little gem of fan fiction, we were more than ready to oblige.
It’s no secret that my favorite holiday of the year is Halloween. I am a man obsessed with creativity, and there is no holiday that even comes close to eliciting the kind of jaw-dropping, jealousy-inducing creativity that Halloween does. From impressive decorations to inspired costumes, awesome parties to even better drinks and finger foods, and the seemingly subconscious desire for women to let their sexy kitten or pirate wench out, Halloween delivers the kind of downright mayhem that makes it the setting for so many stories that begin with, “Dude, remember when…”
But one thing no successful Halloween celebration would be without is a large stock of scary movies. There are many, many movies that exist for the sole purpose of being released around Halloween (Hello, Saw franchise), and they do good business. Why? Because people love to get into the mood of the season by doing their absolute best to terrify themselves into a urine-soaked fetal position, the bigger the puddle, the better. So that got me thinking. Why not get Film School Rejects in on the easy dinero and make a monster movie? Hell, Paranormal Activity was made for peanuts, and they killed at the box office. It’s true they needed an internet petition to go around, but I figure Neil could organize enough of his Twitter followers to get things rolling. Besides, it’s not like it would be any good. As we all know, writers can’t act.
Anyway, without further delay, I would like to present the first Film School Rejects feature film:
REJECTED BY DEATH
For centuries, they have lived in the darkness, invading the barrier between the rational and the fear of things that go bump in the night. Humanity has always felt an uneasy acceptance for things that were better left unexplained, but what was once respect for the evil that prowls just outside the peripheral vision of a quickly-turned head has become nothing more than easily dismissed fireside tales. In the age of CGI and scientific reason, humans have little use for irrational fear, and the villains and monsters that haunted so many nightmares have been reduced down to horror movie caricatures, toys, and cartoons on the front of cereal boxes. It seems however that our transgressions have finally caught up with us, and as the rallying cry goes out, our nightmares have awoken and decided that it’s time we were reminded just what fear once was.
Neil Miller as the WOLFMAN
This was a fairly easy decision. Have you seen a picture of this man? I’ve heard his beard has to shave its beard. Not to mention that I’ve got it on pretty good authority that his roommates have to sweep up conspicuous piles of hair that seem to collect in the corners of the bathroom. Beyond that, though, our famed Editor-in-Chief has the gravitas to uphold the aristocratic nature of his untransformed self as well as the savage ferocity needed to be a convincing monster. It sort of resembles the leading up to and subsequent passing of a deadline around here.
Cole Abaius as the SERIAL KILLER
This was another no-brainer. I mean, the man majored in Philosophy. If that doesn’t point to a disturbed mind on the edge of tumbling into calculated chaos, I don’t know what does. Cole also has that unassuming and unremarkable look about him that just seems to invite you to smile, shake his hand, and perhaps leave your children under his care while you grab a smoke. Unfortunately, you tend to come back to him stroking your child’s hair and telling them to let mommy know everything will be alright.
Robert Fure as the MONSTROSITY
Look at those arms. Robert Fure could crush your head like a grape. Need I say more?
Rob Hunter as the DOPPELGANGER
If you just read Rob Hunter’s comments on various articles around FSR, you would think he hates everyone here. Or at least thinks they are all habitually wrong. But talking to the man through email and twitter gives quite a different picture. I imagine he surrounds his lovable, friendly literary center with a hard candy shell of blunt criticism. Sort of like a journalistic tootsie pop. I can also never remember his last name, so that helps him blend in well with the crowd.
Bethany Perryman as the SUCCUBUS
As FSR’s resident sex columnist, this was an obvious choice. I’m also pretty sure Ms. Perryman is obsessed with sex, even beyond what would be necessary for a gig as a sex columnist. How do I know? Well, I follow her on twitter, and there seems to be plenty of evidence supporting such a claim. Plus, she managed to put her feminine wiles to Neil Miller from halfway across the country and suck him into her sensual vortex. Now that’s power.
Kevin Carr as FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER
If Frankenstein’s Monster were real, I imagine he would look something like Kevin Carr. So instead of making Kevin wear a wig, I figure we will just make our version of the Monster bald with a sweet goatee. This man is also a machine, midnight-tweeting his way through horror movies every night this October. It’s that kind of devotion to a singular purpose that made Frankenstein’s Monster so endearing. You know, in a pursuit of education, hell-bent on revenge, and then running away to die sort of way.
Landon Palmer as the MAD SCIENTIST
This dude has mad intelligence. I mean, intimidating to the point of sadness intelligence. Have you read his column Culture Warrior? I have a pocket dictionary sitting on my desk just for that purpose. I call it my Palmer Dictionary, with its notes on film criticism written in the margins and the phrase “fuck that guy” scrawled across the cover. If there is one writer here at FSR whom I imagine looks like Dr. Horrible and goes to sleep at night thinking about diabolical plans to take over the world, it’s him.
Robert Levin as the VAMPIRE
Only a vampire has both the confidence in himself and his craft to mingle among the lesser souls in search of his prey. In my mind, this metaphor has something to do with Robert Levin writing for Film School Rejects after himself being a graduate of film school. Hey, it works for me.
Paul Sileo as the AXE MURDERER
What? You didn’t think I would give myself a part? That’s what all good movie makers do. And since I am the creator, I am going to give myself the badass part of the axe murderer. However, since I am also a huge nerd, I am going to be a duel-wielding axe murderer. With chainmail. And a dragon. I’d like to see you run from me now.
So, now we just need some financial backing. Any takers?
Additional Editor’s Note: We had intended to make some sweet Photoshop images for each of the characters listed above, using the faces of FSR staffers to create characters that would shake you to your collective core, but we failed miserably. Hopefully your imaginations can take over…