Heidi Montag's Breasts

Chuck Norris’ tears may cure cancer, but can his boobs kill sharks? Doubtful.

I have to hand it to Peter Hall over at Cinematical. Not only did he find this little gem of a news story, he also stole from us the most appropriate title. Just days after MTV decided to cancel The Hills, one of the show’s dimwitted participants — the failed reality TV girl turned failed pop star turning failed actress Heidi Montag — is talking about a brand new project that is fit for greatness, right alongside the likes of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. Only this time, it would be in 3D. And it would include breasts.

I certainly wish this were all made up, but it’s not. People’s PopWatch is reporting that Montag said the following: “I am making the first 3-D beach comedy about a shark that attacks a small beach town and I save the day with my 3-D boobs. I’ve even written a role for Dolly Parton to play the town mayor!”

On second thought, this doesn’t sound like such a terrible idea. Think about it. There’s a chance that one of Hollywood’s voluptuous annoyances (Montag) may be eaten by a shark? And the only thing that can possibly save her, and those around her, would be a pair of 3-dimensional breasts? Aside from sounding like it was made for The Asylum or Cinemax’s late-night slate, it doesn’t sound like something I wouldn’t watch if given the opportunity. It’s certainly better than the sappy cross-over material given to other MTV-era babes. Remember those Britney Spears movies? At least this one would combine two of Robert Fure’s favorite things of all-time: breasts and sharks. If Montag and team commit and go full-on with nudity, absurdly painful dialog and terrible CGI, I smell a winner.

Assuming the film doesn’t give you an STD, would you see it?


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