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Ghost Rider’s Sulfer Stink to Return

ghostrider-comicheader

Forgive me for not being my normal enthusiastic self in delivering the news.  Excuse my complete and utter apathy at this tidbit.  See,  Ghost Rider was so utterly terrible that I can’t even muster any anger over this.  Just pure, soul-crushing disgust.

According to the boys at Bloody-Disgusting, Nicolas Punchline Cage has signed on for a sequel to the unexpectedly profitable ($115million on a $110million budget) movie about a bounty hunter from hell.  On the page, Ghost Rider looks awesome as shit and is built to ride motorcycles and kick demon ass.  On the screen, Ghost Rider looks awesome as shit in between crappy dialog and partakes in what are among the shortest, weakest, and most anticlimactic fights ever put on film.  I can actually feel my temperature rise now, the anger is coming back.  In the first film, Nicolas Cage guzzled scalding hot coffee and it was supposed to be funny.  It wasn’t.  It was silly.

Listen up, you primitive screwheads, here is how to make a good Ghost Rider film.

  1. Make it dark.  Ghost Rider is a flaming skulled demon, not Spider-Man.
  2. Make the fights epic.  The guy is built around ass kicking, his story is simple tale of redemption, nothing complex or convoluted.
  3. You can even keep Cage, but make the movie about Ghost Rider, not stunt biking or some BS.  Make Johnny Blaze hate the demon and the demon hate Blaze if you need a little something something – that’s often a part of the comics.
  4. Get better villains. Blackheart in the movie was an angsty emo bitch. Blackheart in the comics was a towering black demon that looks all shades of awesome.
  5. Make it Super Natural.  His enemies shouldn’t look like Hot Topic fans, they should look like demons.
  6. The whole movie should feel like that image above.  AWESOME.

There.  Done.  Better.  The only bright spot of the first one?  Ghost Rider actually looked pretty good and Sam Elliot as the old Cowboy Ghost Rider was sweet.  That is all.

How do you feel about this sequel to Ghost Rider?

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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