Exclusive: An Excerpt From Shootin’ The Sh*t With Kevin Smith


Today we’ve received a very special treat for all of you, an excerpt from Kevin Smith’s upcoming book “Shootin’ The Sh*t With Kevin Smith: The Best of Smodcast.” The book is a series of excerpts from Smodcast, the podcast featuring Smith and his long-time producing partner Scott Mosier. And to say the least — it is hilarious. Anyone who listens to Smodcast can vouch for that. Here’s a quick primer description, directly from the publisher:

smith-shitbookFollowing the enormous success of his New York Times bestseller My Boring-Ass Life, legendary independent filmmaker, writer, actor and cultural commentator Kevin Smith returns to share more words of wit and wisdom in SHOOTIN’ THE SH*T WITH KEVIN SMITH: THE BEST OF SMODCAST

Collecting some of the finest moments of Smith’s freewheeling conversations with his friend and producer Scott Mosier (as heard on their top-rated podcast, known as SModcast), this brand new book exposes more of the inner workings of Smith’s wonderfully weird mind.

Discover the genesis of Stalin’s Monkey Soldier army, the horrifying tale of Kevin vs. Steak Tartare, how to make bukkake eggs, the lengths to which Jason Mewes would go for a free comic, and how Kevin was once willing to let Alanis Morissette get mugged…

Lewd, crude and hilariously rude, these are just a few examples of the riches to be found within! Also featuring guest conversationalists Walt Flanagan and Bryan Johnson, fellow filmmaker and failed Canadian Malcolm Ingram, and even contributions from his wife Jen and daughter Harley, these are the humorous highs and cultural lows of Kevin Smith’s verbal diarrhoea…and he can’t wait to unload on you.

And now, enjoy an exclusive excerpt from the book, which hits bookstore shelves tomorrow, September 22nd. Smith is also doing a big book signing in New York City on Thursday, October 1. Here’s the details on that:

Thursday October 01, 2009 7:00 PM

Barnes & Noble
Union Square
33 East 17th Street, New York, NY 10003, 212-253-0810

And now, our exclusive excerpt from the book. Stay tuned later today when we will give you a chance to win 5 copies of the book in our “Shootin’ the Shit” Giveaway.

From SModcast 46: Mr Deaves Goes to Town

“Where’s my shirt?!”

[Kevin and Scott are talking about incest. Again.]

KS: You’re married to Alex.

SM: Yeah.

KS: So, I come to you and I’m like, “I don’t know why, but I did some digging around…”

SM: “In my family tree? You dirty fuck…”

KS: “Yeah, and I found out that your parents had a child before Kristen, but they gave it up for adoption, because you know, they just weren’t ready. That child is Alex.” What do you do?

SM: Well, I think we both would be like, “That’s kinda weird…”

KS: Really? I don’t know, dude, I don’t know if she would be like, “That’s weird.” She loves you.

SM: Well, it’s not like I don’t love her. I think it would be… at that point, it’s not an internal thing. It’s not like you have a gland, the incest gland, that goes off, that makes you feel sick when you’re sexually attracted to somebody that you’re related to. Because otherwise that couple in London would be like, “Oh my god, I got the shits,” all the time…

KS: It’s the reverse. What they’re saying is like, genetic sexual attraction is predicated on meeting someone you haven’t known your whole life, having an instant fucking attraction to them, and the reason is because you’re genetically connected.

SM: But then, you know, why it’s really wrong is a social thing.

KS: Would you get divorced?

SM: Yeah, I can’t imagine I could deal with that. I mean, I love her and she loves me…

KS: Would you get divorced, or would you have it annulled? I guess technically you could have it annulled.

SM: I guess you could.

KS: The government would be like, “Let’s just all pretend this never happened.”

SM: “… and like, eww.”

KS: “And we would like to close up this session by saying, eww.” You’re like, “Yeah, it is, but we didn’t know.”

SM: “We didn’t know. C’mon, eww?”

KS: “Yeah, c’mon, I mean look at her, you’d fuck her, right?”

SM: “Not if she was my sister!”

KS: “Well I didn’t know!”

SM: “EWWW! Eww on you!”

KS: That could be a sentence from the court. “Eww on you.” They’re like, “We can’t officially penalise you or put you in jail, but this court declares: Eww on you, Mr Mosier.” You’re like, “No, don’t bang the gavel! Can’t I say something first?”

SM: “Goddamnit!”

KS: Would you seek to have it annulled, or would you go through the divorce proceeding?

SM: Um… I think that we would talk about it, and talk about what we wanted to do.

KS: Wouldn’t you find it weird to talk to her?

SM: I don’t think that part would be weird.

KS: Would you start fighting with her like a sister?

SM: Yeah, like, “Where’s my shirt?!”

KS: Was that a fight that you had with your sister?

SM: I don’t know, I was just like, what do you fight about… just that accusatory…

KS: [Laughing] “Where’s my shirt…!” She’s like, “I think we have bigger problems in front of us, Scott!”

SM: “Yeah…”

KS: “Not right now, I don’t have a shirt!”

SM: “… after I have a fucking shirt on!”

KS: “You’re probably attracted to me! I gotta put a shirt on!”

SM: “You got me walking around without a shirt! That’s what started all this!”

KS: Would you…

SM: I wouldn’t suddenly be, like…

KS: A dick? Where you’re like, “You’re not getting half.”

SM: No, that wouldn’t occur to me.

KS: Well she’s your relative, so you’d wanna help her out, I guess.

SM: Well, I mean I would feel like…

KS: More divorces would be friendly if it turned out they were siblings. You’re like, “Well, you’re my sister, so I don’t wanna…”

SM: “… I don’t wanna be a dick.”

KS: “Yeah, you can have the house.”

SM: “What are we gonna do at reunions?” That would be terrible.

KS: Oh, that would be so bad. How mad would you be at your parents?

SM: Um… I mean it would depend, it would have to be like, “Look, now fucking tell me the whole thing. Number one, are there more? ’Cause I don’t wanna do this again.”

KS: They’re like, “Yeah, there are approximately… the final seven have yet to be revealed.” It’s like Battlestar Galactica.

SM: Um, I would wanna know… and I would be mad because I would be like, “Look, if this was a possibility, you coulda thrown it out there.” You know, especially ’cause I would have been like, “You knew that Alex was the exact same age of the baby…”

KS: Yeah, but that’s a stretch, man. They gave her up for adoption, she changed her name, they didn’t follow her.

SM: Yeah, but at least they could have been like, “There’s this possibility…”

KS: What, any time you fuck somebody Alex’s age, they’re gonna be like,

“Look, if it’s a girl, and she’s aged blank…”

SM: Why not? It’s the one thing they gotta dissuade me from doing!

KS: Because I’m sure they would think, in a million years that would never happen.

SM: Yeah, but once again, the one thing they gotta dissuade me from doing is fucking somebody born that year. That’s all. That’s all they gotta do to make sure they’re not gonna create this awful situation.

KS: So, they would be like, “When’s her birthday, Scott?”

SM: And I’m like, “Um, May first.”

KS: “Oh, Scott, we have to talk…”

SM: I’m like, “Five years after…?” Yeah, I mean that’s… I feel like, wouldn’t you do that?

KS: Nah.

SM: No?

KS: I’d be like, “Let’s see what happens! This could be fucked up!”

SM: “This is better’n blackjack!”

Neil Miller is the Founder and Publisher of Film School Rejects. For almost a decade, he has been talking movies on television, the radio, and the Internet. As of yet, no one has stopped him.

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