Eight Summer Movies That Are Sure to Suck Ass

As we launch into the summer movie season, the internet is abuzz with anticipation for movies like The Dark Knight and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. But even as Iron Man is cracking $100 million in its first few days out, we are reminded of other movies that fill the movie houses along with the hits.

For every Iron Man, there is a Made of Honor. And this summer is going to be filled with crap as much as it will be filled with awesomeness. So, in an effort to protect the moviegoing public, here’s my cautionary list of eight summer movies that are sure to suck ass (in chronological order).

Flame on!

Postal

Postal (May 23)

Why it will suck: Come on, people! It’s Uwe Boll. He may think this film will be a work of genius, but it is clearly the oppo-site! Does anyone think it’s going to be even watchable. Sure, the trailers look like this film might be the exception to the Boll Rule, but I wouldn’t start laying down the Vegas odds on this one.

Who will cause the suckage: Uwe Boll… he has the Roto-Rooter touch.

The Foot Fist Way (May 30)

Why it will suck: Okay, the redband trailer was decent enough, for the language shock value. But outside of a semi-funny Hot Rod rip-off premise (with the rustic sidekick Danny McBride instead of the funnier Andy Samberg), does anyone think this film will be able to sustain itself past the first ten minutes? I know our illustrious Executive Editor Neil Miller declared this to be one of the must-see movies this summer, but I have to disagree with him. Maybe… maybe on video. And even then, it would take some convincing.

Who will cause the suckage: Danny McBride… he’s funny in supporting roles, but I shudder at the thought of him headlining a film.

You Don’t Mess With The Zohan (June 6)

Why it will suck: After seeing the trailers for this movie, I truly believe that the only good thing to come from this will be a Who’s That Hottie feature on Emmanuelle Chriqui. Otherwise, it’s Adam Sandler at his unfunny worst. While director Dennis Dugan’s had some decent (emphasis on decent; not great) comedies with The Benchwarmers and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, he also has crap like National Security and Saving Silverman to his credit. And considering that Judd Apatow’s recent disappointments in Walk Hard and Drillbit Taylor prove he’s not bulletproof, this film could be a real stinker.

Who will cause the suckage: Adam Sandler… he sucks in any movie where he talks funny.

Kung Fu Panda (June 6)

Why it will suck: Sometimes DreamWorks animation gives us quality films, like the original Shrek. Other times, we get crap, like Shark Tale. Take the Jack Black formula from Shark Tale and make him an ass-kicking panda, and you’ll probably get more crap. Oh, the kids will flock to this one, and it will make tons of cash, but the movie is going to be bad beyond belief.

Who will cause the suckage: Jack Black… do you think he might scat in this film?

The Love Guru (June 20)

Why it will suck: For every possible reason under the sun. Mike Myers is struggling to get another now that Austin Powers has run its course. But this feels like a bad SNL sketch forced into a feature-length film. I don’t care about the Hindi protests to this movie. The trailers scare me enough. Still, at least he’s not doing a Scottish accent this time.

Who will cause the suckage: Mike Myers… think The Cat in the Hat tries to do Austin Powers.

Hancock (July 2)

Why it will suck: Here’s where I’m really going out on a limb because Hollywood and some hype-meisters are pushing the idea that this will be a huge summer movie. Sure, it’s got Will Smith in it, and he hasn’t made a flop for years. But does anyone remember Wild Wild West? While some folks like director Peter Berg, I’ve never found his stories that well constructed or his characters all that great. I just get a queasy feeling when watching the trailers to this movie… like something bad is going to happen.

Who will cause the suckage: Peter Berg… hold the camera still for once, chump!

Meet Dave (July 11)

Why it will suck: How could it not? It’s Eddie Murphy colossally unfunny follow-up to Norbit. There’s a huge Pluto Nash stench surrounding this movie, and the trailer (which is always supposed to show the funniest moments) is about as clever and humorous as a kidney stone attack. The scariest thing about this movie is that because Norbit did well, I’m sure this one will bank, and we’re probably looking at another Academy Award nomination. Ugh. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Who will cause the suckage: Eddie Murphy…. and Eddie Murphy… and Eddie Murphy… need we say more?

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (August 1)

Why it will suck: You might say that as the follow-up to relatively lame The Scorpion King, this third installment of the Mummy series is treading on dangerous ground. Then, you have to notice the August release date, which usually means the film isn’t good enough to go against the good stuff in the summer. Then you have to recognize that Brendan Fraiser’s other film (Journey to the Center of the Earth) at least has a cool gimmick.

Who will cause the suckage: Brendan Fraiser… he’s really trying to save his career, isn’t he.


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