Egads! WWE to Produce More Movies — Here’s What Would Be Awesome!

WWE Wrestler Kane in See No Evil

Hmmm… you’d think that after the box office disappointment that was The Condemned and the unbelievable failure that was See No Evil, the WWE would give up filmmaking altogether.

But the muscle-headed company intends to stick this one out. Like the redneck revolution that has given us a steady stream of Larry the Cable Guy movies, the WWE has announced that it intends to ramp up its cinematic slate. On Monday, Variety reported that World Wrestling Entertainment has chosen Steve Barnett to head the WWE Films division.

Barnett most recently worked with Dimension Films and helped set up movies like The Mist and the Piranha remake. Not exactly the best pedigree, but previously he had worked to bring to life some hits like 300 and The Spiderwick Chronicles.

Barnett’s new direction is to focus on $20-million PG-13 films over various genres, rather than the R-rated fare that has dominated the WWE brand in its first three films (The Marine, See No Evil and The Condemned).

Still, if the purpose of the new WWE films is to highlight the wrestling stars, I’m not sure if things are going to change all that much. Imagine Triple-H in the next Lindsay Lohan romantic comedy.

If I were put in charge of WWE Films, I’d green-light the following (which mostly fits into the new business plan, Mr. Barnett, so take note):

Big Show and Vern Troyer could remake Twins.

Kane could star in a feature-film adaptation of Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret.

The entire slate of African American wrestlers can get together with box office gold to make Tyler Perry’s Madea Kicks Your Ass.

One-legged skinnyboy Zach Gowen could star in the gender-bender biopic of Heather Mills.

The entire starting lineup of Monday Night RAW can play the Roman Senators while John Cena plays the lead in Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar.

Former WWE heavyweights Steve Austin and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson could star in a homo-erotic remake of Ice Castles.

…and my personal favorite…

Torrie Wilson, Sable and Stacey Kiebler could star in a (hopefully R-rated) remake of Caged Heat.

Source: Variety

Kevin Carr crawled from the primordial ooze in the early 1970s. He grew up watching movies to the point of irritation for his friends and was a font of useless movie knowledge until he decided to put that knowledge to good use. Now, Kevin is a nationally syndicated critic, heard on dozens of radio stations around the country, and his reviews appear in a variety of online outlets. Kevin is also a proud member of the Broadcast Film Critics Association (BFCA), the Online Film Critics Society (OFCS), and the Central Ohio Film Critics Association (COFCA).

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