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Finally this week has provided me with enough news to bring you that which you so desperately need, the Early Edition. And in this Early Edition we are going to take the tour of the world — from the wild west shootout between two of Hollywood’s biggest, CGI-est directors to the deep space voyages of the Starship Enterprise. We also may go back in time to talk about the fact that some film franchises that should really be left alone.

So without further ado, and because I’m no friend to the concept of ado, lets get on with today’s Early Edition:

Bring Your 6-Inch Rulers!

Hollywood bigshots McG (Terminator Salvation) and Michael Bay (Transformers 2) aren’t only going to be warring at the box office this summer with their respective actioners, it also appears as if they will be whipping out their dicks to see whose robot is bigger. In a recent interview with Details, McG fired this most recent shot across Bay’s, er, bow:

“Michael Bay has a big cock. But I’d like to believe mine is bigger.” McG smiles. “If he’s up for it, we can both reveal ourselves on the Spartacus steps at Universal and put the question to rest.”

Oh, you kids and your toys.

J.J. Abrams is All Flared Up!

Speaking of interviews, Star Trek director J.J. Abrams went on record at the recent press conference for his soon-to-be-gigantic space movie and talked about some of the lens flares that are sure to either give audiences seizures or make his film look really cool. According to io9, Abrams claimed that he wanted a “visual system that felt unique.” He went on to explain that “There are something about those flares, especially in a movie that can potentially be very sterile and CG and overly controlled. There is something incredibly unpredictable and gorgeous about them.” And he’s right. Oddly enough, they weren’t distracting at all. Another interesting tidbit — when you see Trek, pay attention to the differences in the lens flares employed on the Enterprise and the Romulan ship. Its very interesting.

Leave The Goonies Alone!

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Empire has posted the above photo of the cast of The Goonies, which was taken as part of their 20th Anniversary Issue hoopla, an issue that is being guest edited by director Steven Spielberg. There has been a lot of talk lately — mostly from Corey Feldman — about a potential continuation of the Goonies saga. I would just like to say, for the record, that this would be a terrible idea. No really, a terrible idea. I am however, looking forward to the Spielberg edited issue of Empire.

flanimals-1Ricky Gervais Gets Flanimated

Variety has all the details on a new CG-animated film from the wicked mind of British comedian and all-around cool dude Ricky Gervais. The film will be based on a series of children’s books written by Gervais that follow the stories of creatures called “Flanimals.” Gervais will voice the lead character in the film, which will be scripted by The Simpsons alum Matt Selman. You can see one of the characters in the picture to the right. Take that into consideration when you read this quote from Gervais: “It will be great to play a short, fat, sweaty loser for a change. A real stretch.”

Elizabeth Banks: Zefron Fan

According to my now burning eyes and the Huffington Post article that made them that way, Zack and Miri star Elizabeth Banks fucking loves Zac Efron. She then goes on to analyze the merits of 17 Again as culture satire. Oh Elizabeth Banks, this is why we love you — because you, like us, are totally fucking with people. Right?

It’s Summer Movie Preview Season!

As you know, our Summer Movie Preview this year — as it was last year — is a big, awesome, soul-rocking list known as The 17 Must See Movies of Summer 2009. Of course, we are not the only people on the web rocking a big summer preview. The folks over at Rope of Silicon have created a ridiculously in-depth Summer Preview that could be of some use to the average fan. As well, Alex over at First Showing has put together a neat list of the year’s remaining sci-fi movies (if you skip over the super-hyperbolic commentary, you’ll notice that the list is actually pretty solid).

Frank Welker Signs On, Suits Up as Soundwave

According to the folks at UGO (who seem to be getting info right from Transformers scribe Roberto Orci), the beloved voiceman Frank Welker has signed on to voice Soundwave in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Fans can officially no longer be pissed off about it.

Since it is, in fact, Humpday

Today is Wednesday, otherwise known as “humpday” to you working stiffs. Therefore it is more than appropriate that we finish today’s Early Edition with the first poster for Lynn Shelton’s Humpday, yet another of my favorite films from Sundance. It comes to us courtesy of Vulture. Its about two dudes who share a love that, well, just check out the poster. You’ll get it.

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