Return to House on Haunted Hill

If someone gives you the choice of either being punched in the mouth or watching Return to House on Haunted Hill put in your mouth guard and take the hit. This movie is utter crap. The acting, overall, is terrible. The CGI, laughable. The plot, unbelievable. And the writing, good lord, the writing. A Shakespearean re-write and a cast of Academy Award winners couldn’t save this pile – well ok, maybe that.

In this completely unwanted sequel, a sister of a victim of the first movie, her half-boyfriend, a professor, a skank, and an archaeologist treasure hunter and his team of mercenaries (I shit you not) end up in Hill House, which is conveniently both on a Hill and Haunted. And made of CGI that’s about as convincing as the “Dark Castle” deck on Solitaire that was included on Windows 98.

This sequel has seemingly little to do with the first, despite the addition of the sister. Apparently the house is full of evil because the Doctor (an entertaining but underused Jeffrey Combs) loved art and had an evil statue that lived inside some sort of demonic house vagina. I didn’t even know houses had vaginas, but then again I rent an apartment.

Erik Palladino co-stars as the “evil archaeologist treasure hunter”and I actually think he played a pretty good villain. He even has an Asian lesbian sidekick. She doesn’t do much. On the positive side there are a few boob shots, some gore, and a few jump scares, but much, if not all of it, is stolen from the Silent Hill videogame and movie, right down to creepy nurses without eyes. I did have a few unintentional laughs at the mercanaries, who all seemed to have shiny silver Duo-Tone Beretta’s, which look like a pimps gun.

Listen, just don’t watch this DVD. Rumor has it the Blu-Ray version has a “Navigational Feature” that lets you change the outcome of the movie and one ending is apparently pretty cool. So maybe a rental just for that, but avoid the movie itself and stay away from the standard definition DVD, it’s garbage.

Grade: D

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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