Comic-Con 2011: A Completely Uninformed Response to ‘Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance’

San Diego Comic-Con is a busy place. No one can cover everything, or even a significant portion of everything. Judgement calls must be made, like sleeping through panels or buying cool toys instead of waiting in line at Hall H. Or you know, just covering A instead of B.

I found myself in that situation when it came time for the Sony panel that featured a lot of cool things, including The Amazing Spider-Man and Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. Instead of suffering though the line at Hall H, which I gladly would have done, I caught up with Spartacus and then went off to see Jason Momoa, the next Conan. Luckily I was able to read all about the Sony panel on Twitter and, well… Shit.

Ghost Rider sounds like something unique. That might not be the best word for it, but it definitely sounds… interesting. No, that’s not the word either. I think what I’m looking for is either “immature” or “fucking stupid.” Not certain yet.

Totally upfront, I did not see the footage. Maybe it is awesome. But it sounds bad. And it makes this post funnier.

What’s got my pants on fire? Well, let’s list the apparent highlights of the footage.

Ghost Rider Will Fuck Your Shit Up

The tagline shown with the footage was “Fucking your shit up in 3D February 2012.” Hey, I’m a fan of fucking shit up, though there is a time and a place for it and it might be February, but where it’s not is probably in the tagline spot of a trailer.

Ghost Rider Has Flaming Indigestion

According to the Shock Til You Drop Twitter feed, Ghost Rider “vomits fire in a man’s face.” Now, maybe this is poetic license and the Spirit of Vengeance just shoots fire at him out of his mouth. That is a normal Ghost Rider thing to do. But if its played for laughs as vomit, well then, that’s just silly.

The Flaming Ghost Jeep

Apparently whenever Ghost Rider switches rides, that ride explodes into flames and becomes a hell vehicle. In one sequence he jumps into a Jeep and it becomes a HellJeep. That makes for good toys, I’ll say and hey – maybe it’s cool. But that also seems… silly.

Real Bones Will Be Broken

The directing duo of Neveldine/Taylor promise that we’ll see actual bones being broken on screen. Like it’s a good thing. I mean, this isn’t another Jackass installment, is it? Why celebrate the fact that someone had their bones snapped while making a fictional movie?

The Spirit of Vengeance Pisses Vengeance

Taking a page from Bumblee in Transformers, Ghost Rider, according to several sources, urinates fire.

I’m a fun and irreverent guy. I don’t give much of a shit about things, but I do take movies seriously – sometimes. Especially if it’s something I like. I’m a fan of the Ghost Rider character and his comics. The first movie sucked. I was excited there’d be a second shot at it. I wasn’t super excited at the choice of Neveldine/Taylor to be in charge, but they are crazy dudes and could potentially make a great Ghost Rider film.

Therein lies the problem- no matter who cool or crazy or silly or fun this movie sounds, it definitely doesn’t sound like a Ghost Rider movie. The Spirit of Vengeance is a crazy character, I mean, he’s a leather wearing flaming skull dude on a motorcycle. That’s crazy! But he’s never really been actively silly. While he’ll gladly roast your insides out, tear your body in half, or kick your face through the cement after doing a burnout on your skull, he’s not the kind of demon who makes vomit jokes and pees fire.

Ghost Rider is terrifying. He is the Spirit of Mother Fucking Vengeance. He is every Halloween nightmare you’ve ever had and he’s coming to take your soul to hell for what you’ve done. What I really would have liked to hear in regards to this film was that it was a serious and terrifying action movie, not a parade of bodily functions.

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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