To the untrained eye (and unjaded soul) the headline above may appear to be misleading hyperbole. But no, these are hard facts taken directly from the author’s own mouth. Palahniuk was in NYC recently to promote the film Choke which is based on his novel. Joining him were Sam Rockwell and Clark Gregg, the star and director of the film. was on-hand for an interview and instead of asking the usual press junket questions, Ben Barna decided to mix things up a bit. He asked the trio which celebrity they’d choose to have surgically attached like a Siamese twin… which cartoon they’d want to live inside… if they’d rather understand all languages or breathe underwater… and a few other life-altering queries. My favorites, and the two that led to the headline above, are below.

If you had to experience the pain of being burned alive for an hour, but then you would save the life of child that you would never meet or know, would you?

Clark Gregg: An hour being burned? That’s my greatest fear. Okay, I’ll tell you what. I’ll be burned alive for an hour to save this random, stinkin’ kid. Is it a bratty kid or a nice kid?

Sam Rockwell: I know my girlfriend would say yes. I don’t know if I would say yes. But god I love my girlfriend. She’d probably say yes, but I don’t know.

Chuck Palahniuk: Oh, this is the question where I look like a phony asshole, or a real asshole. No I would not. That child can go live with God.

If you had to have consensual sex with a mammal, what would it be?

SR: Okay, I like that. I’m going to have to go with a goat. You can’t go wrong with a goat. That’s been working for years.

CP: A giant panda, yeah. It would be like plushy sex, yeah.

Curiously, the interviewer didn’t say “a mammal other than a human”, but Rockwell and Palahniuk still went immediately to creatures outside of their species. Certainly explains Cole Abaius’ obsession with the man doesn’t it? Check out the rest of the questions and answers here.

Choke opens September 26th.

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