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Editor’s Warning: Massive Spoilers Ahead. If you don’t want to know which actors are portraying which villains in the next Batman installment, stop reading now.

Even before The Dark Knight hit theaters, we were being bombarded with third installment rumors. Johnny Depp is playing The Riddler, Phillip Seymour Hoffman is playing The Penguin, Angelina Jolie is playing Catwoman.

We thought we’d get a reprieve from the madness at least until there was confirmation that there’d actually be a third installment. After all, if people are going to start rumors about movies that aren’t even green lit yet, we might as well be prognosticating about Weekend at Bernie’s IV.

But then the news hit that Rachel Weisz was being considered for the role of Catwoman, and we realized that we’d soon be kneedeep in completely untrue graft about Christopher Nolan’s possible followup to the most popular movie of the decade.

Instead of complaining, we decided to join in, so we hunted down some completely correct, absolutely true rumors about a film that might not ever be made. Feel free to spread these around to every single person you talk to.

To get started, I gave a call to an inside source very, very close to the production (hint! It’s Christopher Nolan*), and he gave us the scoop:

Dame Judi Dench will play Catwoman.

Judi Dench as Cat WomanWe have no idea where this Rachel Weisz talk got started, but we can confirm beyond doubt that the Oscar-winning actress will be bringing her 74-year old sex appeal to the feline role. After bringing her genius to Notes on a Scandal and her bad-assness to Quantum of Solace, Dench is set to aim somewhere for the middle after squeezing into the skintight leather-spandex hybrid created by costume designer Lindy Hemming. We’ve also gotten our hands on a screentest shot not meant for the public!

Johnny Depp is definitely involved.

In a shocking move, Christopher Nolan has to decided to fire Wally Pfister despite working with him on every film he’s made since Memento. The rumor that Depp is involved is true, but he won’t be donning The Riddler costume – he’ll be getting behind the camera as the Director of Photography for the first time ever in his career to create the aesthetic vision for the film.

Ewan MacGregor will play the main villain.

Hiring a veteran actor to join the Nolan-verse is a strong move, but Nolan is going one step further by hiring a veteran actor to renew a role he’s already played. That’s right! The Dark Knight will face off against Obi-Wan Kenobi in an epic battle for the soul of Gotham. Purists will probably scoff at the inclusion of a character from Star Wars and the unfair advantage that a light saber gives Kenobi, especially when the Batman list of villains is so impressive. That’s why:

Doug Jones will play the minor villain.

After admiring his work with CGI and make-up, Nolan has cast Doug Jones to play Scarface – featuring a revolutionary costume that will make him look realistically like he’s made from wood. No word yet on who will play The Ventriloquist, but there’s a mini-rumor that the movie will end with a giant metal version of Scarface standing in the doorway ominously (which should spark its own rumor that the gang is gearing up for a fourth installment).

The Gang is gearing up for a fourth installment.

Not only is it a guaranteed go, it’s going to be split into seven 4-hour movies, making the fourth installment a full 28-hours long. There are no rumors yet regarding the film, but expect an avalanche of them soon – including the fact that it will feature over a dozen villains, Alfred’s sex change, and Batman’s death at the hands of his own father who faked his death all those years ago and also happens to be a witch doctor.

That’s all we’ve got for now! Feel free to spread them around the internet as if they’re true. Since they are. At least our source claims they are, and they seem, like, so totally realistic to us.

*Christopher Nolan is my next-door neighbor who runs his own, very successful, insurance firm. Oddly enough, I also had a professor in college named Tom Hanks.


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