Boiling Point: The Academy Awards

[Editor’s Warning: We believe that our good friend Robert Fure has really gone off the deep end this time. He curses profusely in the article below. If you are offended by this, we recommend checking out another article from our Oscar Week coverage. Otherwise, enjoy the show!]

oscarposter.jpgThe Academy Awards don’t mean shit. Yeah, you heard me. If someone wins Best Picture, they can put it on their DVD case and watch sales go up – but that doesn’t mean it was the best, or deserved to win. And everyone who disliked the movie will call it a rip off. Those who liked the other will call it a steal. And really, they’re all right.

The Academy Awards seem so political these days. It doesn’t seem to be that the winning picture has to be the best one. It, first and foremost, has to be the right kind of movie. Schindler’s List, There Will Be Blood, Titanic – all fucking no brainers for Oscar consideration. Where is Alien for Best Original Script? Not a chance in hell, as that movie is genuinely entertaining and gripping without being 150 minutes long and full of soliloquies. I don’t want to take anything away from some deserving movies, but a lot of this shit is a roll of the die.

Is there any doubt Return of the King wasn’t going to win? It deserved to. But so did Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers. But, the Academy, knowing there was a third way to play catch up with, pawned off the other awards and ignored the groundbreaking work and overall awesomeness that was Fellowship of the Ring. All was made right by King, but that’s clearly a political move.

Johnny Depp, who is a tremendous actor, was overlooked for years until Pirates of the Caribbean caught on – now he grabs nominations here and there. He will win the Oscar within the next three years. He probably deserved it six years ago.

A movie like Juno will be taking home it’s Oscars mostly because of how many people like it and think its cute rather than based on its merit. Yes, a movie just being plain fucking enjoyable does count for something (unless it is a comedy, an action movie, or a horror story, which are almost universally ignored with minor exception) but that doesn’t make it technically proficient. A good story does not necessitate a good Directorial effort. But what the fuck, everyone thinks its cute!

Where are the fucking action movies and horror movies? They’re just as good, often times better. Real writing goes into them. Real acting. But no, unless you have some disease or some affliction, you can’t be the best actor or actress. Where are the fucking comedies for best screenplay? Comedy is a bitch to write.

I just want the Academy to wake the fuck up and start rewarding the movies that deserve. Films are constantly overlooked and the awards are dolled out in accordance with what is popular or political, not with what is merit worthy. Bowling for Columbine as best documentary? No, more like topical and a Hollywood fuck fest, that movie barely qualifies as a documentary. An Inconvenient Truth also wins best documentary. Good thing science doesn’t fucking matter because most of that fucking movie has been disproved by actual science! OOPS, FUCK YOU ACADEMY for not picking what deserved to win and picking what would make you popular. All these years later and you’re still just some kid on the fucking playground trying to get picked first for dodgeball. Fuck you.

Maybe no one else cares. Maybe you fucking want Juno to win every fucking award and still think that carbon dioxide levels are ten thousand percent higher than they are and are causing global warming (hint: they are not at their highest ever, not even close, and science seems to indicate that the planet gets warmer and then carbon dioxide goes up – OOPS!) then fucking ignore this shit. But I for one have had enough of these popular decisions and want a real fucking movie that really fucking deserves it to take home the award without all the bullshit associated with being popular or cute. Or maybe I’m just past my God damned boiling point.

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Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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