Avalanche Sharks

Proving nowhere is safe from the clutches of the Great White – not the ocean, nor air, nor land, and now not even mountainside – is Avalanche Sharks. For now, because God is a cruel and unpredictable force, he has given our greatest enemy the ability to appear out of water, without warning to swim through the snow and rain chaos down upon our snowboarding trips.

If a normal avalanche wasn’t enough, the staff at this ski resort is receiving reports of missing persons (and blooood) that they keep trying to cover up to save face for their busiest day of the year. You have to guess what that is. It’s Bikini Snow Day, obviously. With the mountainside covered in drunk, horny co-eds, the ancient snow sharks have awakened their taste for human flesh, and now must feast. Cue an hour and a half of frantic, bikini-clad sprinting through the snow as it gets sprayed with blood until one brave ski resort hunk figures out the key to taming the snow beast.

Check out the trailer here:

Though the recent shark-nightmare fanatics enthralled by Sharknado might be calling “ripoff” when they see the natural disaster/sea monster combo, it’s important to note that the terrible shark movie genre has been pumping out B-movies for as long as the ancient snow beast has been lying dormant under the bikini babes’ cabin. This one in particular, written by Keith Shaw (Malibu Shark Attack) and directed by Scott Wheeler (Transmorphers) is reportedly more of a sequel to Sand Sharks than anything. That would be the one where the sharks rose from the sea to stalk victims in the sand.

There’s no real indication of when or where this film will premiere, with Fangoria calling it “Syfy-style,” but other sites taking the next step and saying it’s going to be on the Syfy Channel. IMDb says it already premiered in July 2013, which if anything, makes this the perfect opportunity to greenlight my script Timetraveling Sharks so we can stop this from happening altogether. [Fangoria]


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