If you’re the kind of person who loves the classics and believes they should be left unspoilt, maybe just go get a sandwich or something. Step outside for a moment. Write a letter to a loved one or throw some darts in your garage. Just don’t read this news post.

Because according to Variety, Twilight-er Ashley Greene will make the jump to leading lady in Olivia Twisted, a – you got it – modern take on Dickens’s “Oliver Twist.” There will be a few changes, but the nitty gritty is that Olivia will be 1) female (obviously) 2) the leader of a group of criminals in a 3) street turf battle and 4) not a child.

This wouldn’t be the first futzing with that the character has seen. It most famously got music to sing along with in Oliver! but fans might simply appreciate that Greene hasn’t been cast as an anthropomorphic orange cat. On the other hand, it’s tough to understand what is exactly Twistian about this adaptation since it changes the character considerably. Oddly enough, the Swedish television mini-series Olivia Twist already saw the main character changed into a young girl (and featured Michael Nyquist from the Dragon Tattoo movies), but Olivia Twisted sounds like something with vodka product tie-ins and Hot Topic t-shirts ready for print. But look on the bright side! I’m sure it will be as subtly clever and politically acute as Dickens intended!

Now someone go grab everyone who went out for a sandwich and let them know the site is safe again.

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