According to Deadline Crystal Peak, Arnold Schwarzenegger has teamed up with Fast Five director Justin Lin to try to sell a new Terminator film with Schwarzenegger starring. The problems here are obvious. Why would the machines create a T-851 that looks like it’s made out of Metamucil and beaten down by years of steroid use? Can Arnold still carry an action film, and if so, how much airbrushing will it take?

My guess is that the story will revolve around the machines sending a new T-model (Model T? I just got that) to a retirement community where John Connor’s great-grandmother (who gives him the piece of advice that, years later, gives him the courage and wisdom to lead the resistance) plays canasta every Wednesday. The cyborg is about to easily dispatch the old woman, but she wins him over by offering him a Werther’s Original. The staff mistakes him for a resident, and he begins puttering around the community, making friends and learning valuable life lessons. Sadly, he’s destroyed when the old folks realize he’s a machine, and they irrevocably damage him while trying to open an email attachment.

I’d go see it. Thanks, Schwarzenegger and Lin!

But seriously, isn’t Jeremy Renner available?


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