IntroFirstContact

There seems to be some kind of popular misconception that if aliens were to land on our planet, they’d somehow want to beat us up. In reality, it’s probably going to be the other way around. Want proof? How about the fact that we assume they’d do it to us.

But not every film paints the extraterrestrial as the bad guy, as the following eight clearly show us, good old humanity, as the total asshole side of the exchange.

8.Luke Perry Sucks in The Fifth Element

FifthPerry

Specifically Luke Perry. While this technically isn’t first contact, I feel like after 5,000 years of not visiting it can totally count. He doesn’t handle it very well, opting to shoot one with his little Nazi gun despite the aliens being giant golden fat kids with a hunchback clearly incapable of battle. In fact, these aliens kind of suck for the whole movie – later getting blown up by those Duke Nukem pig cops in space.

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7. We Send Jerks Into Space in Prometheus

PromFirstContact

I’m not going to pretend like the aliens weren’t also jerks or anything, but maybe that big white guy would have been less angry if the first thing we asked him for wasn’t to heal some old guy from death. Considering that the big white guy can clearly die himself, that’s like if you taught your dog to talk and it immediately asked for the power of flight.

I love this film… really, I’m one of the few ones who does. But if you’re going to an alien planet… don’t just bring a bunch of people who want stuff. Money, eternal life, to be like T.E. Lawrence… none of these things help. Also, it doesn’t hurt to bring a biologist who understands not to touch a giant, prone, hissing genital creature born from the blackness of a hulking stone face room. That shouldn’t even be something you have to explain to someone.

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6. A Soldier Gets Gun Happy in The Day The Earth Stood Still

DayEarthStoodStillContact

First rule of first contact: don’t shoot them. Truly, don’t shoot them until they’ve shot at least one of you. I know, it was an accident – but we still look like total dicks that can’t handle our own guns. How were we about to convince Klaatu that we’re peaceful when the first thing we do is shoot him? That’s like throwing a beer bottle at your parole officer’s house instead of ringing the door. Also, you really shouldn’t just show up at your parole officer’s house like that.

And at the end of the film we manage to shoot him again! Again! He dies, then comes back to tell us that we’re all dicks and leaves. That’s real smooth, Earth.

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5. Michael Biehn Goes Nuke Happy in The Abyss

AbyssContact

Michael Biehn is big on nuking aliens. It’s the only way to be sure. Usually he’s the one saving mankind though, and not the other way around.

I only know two Michael Biehn films besides The Abyss. The Terminator and Tombstone. I know four Michael Biehn films along with Planet Terror. I think it’s because he has a mustache in this film is why he’s bad – right? The James Cameron/Michael Biehn formula has to be mustache + Biehn = bad.

Was he in Navy Seals? We sure screwed it up if our first contact is having to talk down an alien species from literally washing us off the face of the earth – at least if you’re one for extended editions of films. Seriously, The Abyss if fun – but the extended edition rocks.

The Rock. He was also in that.


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