As a man, like many of you out there, I value my hair. I fear the day my scalp decides to rebel and shut down production and the hairs fall like sad trees in a deforested section of the rain forest. It’s tough to let go, I know. But there comes a time when holding on is just too sad. When you’ve clung to too little for too long. Then again, some people are blessed with a naturally exorbitant amount of hair, they just can’t wrangle it in. With that, I present to you the DO NOT’s of Hair, from poor styles to poor choices, here we go.

Too Much

This character has a lot of hair. A dense carpet of shag perched atop his head. So much so that he has no clue what to do with it. It just piles up, going every which way, climbing higher and higher. You need to control this before it gets out of hand and causes neck strain.

Offender: Lyle Lovett

Too Crazy

Putting designs in your hair is dumb as fuck. I’m not mincing words. This is stupid. It’s like someone controlled a razor via an Etch-A-Sketch. This is not cool. If you fall asleep on the subway, I will navigate from ear to ear and then steal your watch as my prize. Your hair is a part of your body, not a lawn in need of a groundskeeper.

Offender: Kanye West

What Are You Thinking?

Everyone had the exact same reaction to seeing Tom Hanks’ haircut in The Da Vinci Code – What the hell is he thinking? Your hair is somewhat like a hat. It sits on your head and looks best when it compliments you. Tom Hanks looks a fool with long hair. Someone got paid to cut his hair like that and I’m sure a dozen others said it looked nice. They should all be fired. Someone was asleep on the job on this one. Your hairstyle should reflect you and compliment your skull.

Offender: Tom Hanks

The Cover Up

Yes, Nicolas Cage’s epic hair in Bangkok Dangerous inspired this. I mean, wow. Considering Cage was well on his way to baldness twenty years ago, it’s alarming and offensive to think he actually believes we’re buying his long, flowing hair that defies the laws of gravity and stands at attention. In Ghost Rider he opted for a slightly more believable rug, which still looked far too firm for his whispy strands, but this is pushing it to a whole new level. You know, fellas, there comes a time to let it go. Staring at this picture, I think I see something in Cage’s hair. Let’s take a closer look.

Offender: Nicolas Cage

Well shit, it seems a Golden Eagle has roosted in Nicolas Cage’s forehead region. His bird hair invalidates my entire argument. He is cunning, I will give him that, but nothing without that bird! What’s really funny about that photo is how little Photoshop was involved.

Give It Up, Go Proudly

You can’t always best your genetics or Mother Nature. There comes a time when everyone has to let go of the dream. Sometimes that dream is a full head of hair. Puff out your chest and pack up your dignity and go out like a man. Hair doesn’t make the man. Like I said, it’s more like a hat. You don’t always wear a hat, do you? No. Exactly. So if your hair starts migrating south, follow the lead of Bruce Willis or Andre Agassi and shave it off. You look great, you look natural, you look like you. Just be you in all your imperfections. And who knows, you might just look like a complete badass when you’re bald.

Who has the worst haircut in Hollywood?


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