What is Movie News After Dark DRINKING? It’s the end result of a long work day, a half dozen mini doughnuts, a glass of cheap Canadian whisky, Robert Fure, and a keyboard. Suck on it, suckers!

This week’s movie news after Drinking is brought to you by Revel Stoke spiced whisky (We should not get paid for this because I’m not drinking this again. Or no we should still get paid, but I’m not drinking this again). But basically the deal is I get kind of drunk and then try to type up a whole bunch of movie news before my arms stop working. If you’re wondering why I’m typing all this nonsense, it’s because we need a certain amount of buffer before we move into the news to put a proper text break in here.

But totally keep reading because Will Smith NO JOKE SLAPS A RUSSIAN IN THE FACE IN THE FIRST STORY. (OH LOOK AT ME I’M FRILMCRIT HULK BECAUSE THIS IS ALL CAPITALS)

The bastions of integrity at TMZ.com are reporting on the “slap hear round Russia” after Will Smith lightly backhanded a reporter early this afternoon. The Russian reporter, who reportedly, it has been reported, makes a thing of kissing celebrities on the mouth (is Russia in that part of Europe?) got Fresh with the Fresh Prince, who then told him to get of here and issued a fairly effeminate backhand that made the situation totally awkward. Check out the video here.

hey can someone put some pictures up in here?

Hey how stupid is an Angry Birds movie in 2015? Pretty stupid probably. IMDb because this shit is real yo.

If you’re like most of the world and not an individual little snowflake, you probably loved The Avengers and might even be thinking “Hey man when is that shit going to be on DVD?” If that’s the case, can I recommend to you that you buy a Blu-ray player? Sorry, Luke Mullen, but The Avengers won’t be released on VHS, either. ANYWAY, this solid comic flick from Joss Whedon will be on the shelves on September 25th and will feature a bunch of stuff that you can read about at JoBlo.com.

It’s no secret that a lot of people think Lena DunHAM’s HBO show Girls is a sack of shit. People have complained about virtually every aspect of the show and have been called sexist, while the show itself has been called racist, since the only person of color in it was a black homeless dude. That’s all about to change though, as that gaggle of annoying skanks (can I say annoying in an article?) are going to be teamed up with funny man Donald Glover. If you’re unfamiliar with his work, he is black. Heads up to /Film for that TASTY TIDBIT.

Every site ever is now reporting that Ryan Reynolds might be cast as the “only one” Connor McLeod in the upcoming Highlander remake. Just because, I’m linking to AICN for this story because who gives a shit? Shit’s everywhere man. But on a personal note, I think this is a great idea. Because I love Ryan Reynolds. But maybe it’s a terrible idea if he does a Scottish accident. I mean exacnt. accent.

Continuing a trend of not giving a shit, apparently Christian Slater is in a movie again. Good for him. The box art for Assassin’s Bullet can be viewed at AICN as well. That flick comes from director Isaac Florentine, who made two good fight movies in Undisupted II and Undisputed III. I hope the prequel is called Assassin’s Sharp Object.

At Collider I learned that the guy who wrote High Fidelity, D.V. DiVincentis, has been tapped to write a script for The Nightstalker feature film, a flick from Edgar Wright and Johnny Depp about the popular journalist/supernatural investigator Kolchak. NICE.

Around the globe, young kids chasing their dreams are often conned into doing a lot of work for free in exchange for “experience” under the guise of an internship. If you’ve always wanted to do a bunch of bullshit for no money and no recognition, but didn’t want to deal with people, you can now get an internship to an on-line website, also at Collider.

No matter how hard he tries, Shia LeBeouf can’t look badass and instead looks constipated in his character poster for Lawless as revealed at the HUFFLEPUFFLE HOUSE.

Apparently the only way to make Matthew McConnaughy keep his shirt on is to put an even buffer dude next to him, as Entertainment Weekly found out when True Blood star Joe Manganiello bared at all while Matt McC kept covered up. There’s also a new trailer.

BREAKING NEWS IN ALL CAPS: EMMA STONE AND ANDREW GARFIELD HAVE MADE LITERALLY THE WORST PIECE OF ADVERTISING I HAVE EVER SEEN. YOU SHOULDN’T EVEN WATCH THIS UNLESS YOU WERE HAVING A GOOD DAY AND WANT TO FEEL BAD OR WERE HAVING A BAD DAY AND WANT TO FEEL WORSE. NO JOKE. THIS IS STUPID. SO STUPID. ALMOST AS STUPID AS PETER PARKING LOVING TO SKATEBOARD. HUFFINGTONPOST ON THE GROUNDBREAKING ACTION OF THOSE TWO ACTORS SAYING STUPID SHIT AND THEN MORE STUPID SHIT BUT IN GERMAN. This is like Spider-Man 3 all over again.

/Film cracks I can’t get the italics to turn off. /Film cracks The Rock’s secret Twitter code and guess that he might be in a DC movie. Maybe one day he’ll be good enough for a MARVEL FILM BOOYEAH. fuck yeah. BURN NOTICE.

Front wall of my vagina. No fisting, you say? Anything else you object to? If you ever wanted to hear comedian Gilbert Gottfried say nasty, sexual BDSM things, what the flying fuck is wrong with you? Hopefully this is something you never wanted, but GG reads a few excerpts of Fifty Shades of Grey that shitty best seller that started out, no joke, as Twilight erotic fan fiction and ended up ON THE BEST SELLER LIST proving that the world deserves to die. I got a boner from Jest.com.

And finally, because I am tired, cranky, hungry, thirsty, horny, and a few other things, we come around to two bits of news from Badass Digest. First, John Woo is going to make an English language version of his action masterpiece The Killer. Sure, why the fuck not? I’m always down for some action without subtitles. Mwaaahahaha.

Secondly, and more importantly, well no. Not really. But more interestingly. I think. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT Alex Cross, an upcoming film that follows the Morgan Freeman character from Kiss the Girls and some books. What’s awesome about this upcoming movie is Matthew Fox (Lost) looks fucking batshit insane and awesome. What’s not awesome is Tyler Perry is in the lead role. Despite that, this movie looks fucking interesting.

Oh also Blade Runner is getting a sequel from original director Ridley Scott and original writer Hampton Francher and the film will reportedly have a female lead. Washington Post, son!

So there you have it. Movie News After Drinking. Not as much of my personal commentary but man I feel like we covered a lot of ground and really grew as a couple, don’t you? I feel closer to you now, but I still don’t think I’m in love with you. But if you wanted to get together and read Fifty Shades of Grey together, maybe you’d let me claim your ass.

That’s not sexual harassment, that’s a line from the book.

xoxoxo,

This was on reddit and should be a TV show called Oh, You.


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