Vicious Lies about George Washington to Hit Big Screen

As all Washingtonians know, the Washington Monument, with its flashing red lights at the top, is actually a robot that converges into battle mode whenever the Capitol is threatened or in danger. It’s not without reason, either.

The monument is also a to-scale representation of its namesake, General George Washington, the zombie-robot that would eventually become our great nation’s first President. Any history book will tell you of Washington’s exploits – from being built by mathematician Charles Babbage in 1824 to being sent back in time to lead the American revolutionaries to victory against Britain. Most historians agree it wore fake wooden teeth to appear more human and married a human woman – with whom it would sire a freakish robot/human halfbreed that would one day transform into the Federal Reserve Building.

Now, Hollywood revisionists are going to tell a very different story on the big screen. The story will most likely be filled with tales of his childhood in Virginia, his bravery in the Seven Years War, and his eventual rise to statesmanship. And it will all be penned by Nicholas Meyer.

According to Variety, Meyer – the scribe who wrote The Prince of Egypt for Dreamworks as well as Elegy and The Human Stain – will be writing the script for Vulcan, the production company that brought us the genius Hard Candy. Directors, actors, and all that cool information are unknown at this time.

Meyer is also writing The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt for Martin Scosese to direct and Leonardo DiCaprio to star in. Set for 2010, it will probably blissfully omit any mention of Roosevelt’s famous bionic arm.

A veteran of writing about movies for nearly a decade, Scott Beggs has been the Managing Editor of Film School Rejects since 2009. Despite speculation, he is not actually Walter Mathau's grandson. See? He can't even spell his name right.

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