Movies that Suck: One Crazy Summer

Movies that Suck: One Crazy Summer

Thank Buddha because the summer movie season is finally here!

That means it’s time for big budget movies with huge explosions, large naked breasts, rap stars sipping root beer in skull mugs. Plus all the stars are coming out of the woodwork to appear in these blockbusters meaning all of these huge, explosive and larger than life films are guaranteed to be Grade A, number one…all right, let’s cut the PR cue card talk already. If you want mindless, happy fluff about movies no one has seen, go read Variety or Ain’t It Cool News.

Folks, I’ll level with you. The thought of another summer movie season gives my headaches a headache and the fact that I have to sit through them for work makes me wish for the long loving embrace of the winter when mountains of freezing, blistering snow blocks the road, keep you from leaving your home and close down the movie theaters for weeks at a time.

So instead of going on and on and on about which movies are a waste of time or what movies will suck (here’s a hint: they all are), let’s change the scenery with some “Mashed-Up Movies.” For the unfamiliar, the game was created months ago by myself, my brother and my best friend in a downtown Dallas steakhouse on a hot summer afternoon after several tall cold beers, the fuel for all great things we consider to be modern creations of genius.

The rules are simple: you take two movies that have the same last and first word and mash them together to create a new movie, thereby saving you the time and money of having to watch two crappy movies at once. So this week in honor of another dreadful summer movie season, these “Mashed Movies” will all feature an upcoming movie release. Think of it as an intentionally funny episode of “Ebert & Roeper At the Movies.”

First up, four smoking hot MILF friends come back together to share the trials and tribulations of their lives, their loves and their love lives while driving a herd of cattle across the picturesque southwest with a gruff cowpoke who craps bigger than them. Sarah Jessica Parker and Jack Palance star in “SEX AND THE CITY SLICKERS.” This ride is gonna get bumpy.

A bumbling French detective falls in love with a beautiful maid accused of committing a murder he knows she did not commit, even if she wears silly face paint and laughs like a drugged up clown every time someone dies in “A SHOT IN THE DARK KNIGHT.”

Director Mike Judge tells the story of a depressed office drone who realizes life is too short to spend it behind a three cubicle walls and strives to achieve his lifelong dream of following in his chimp grandfather’s footsteps and returning to outer space in “OFFICE SPACE CHIMPS.” This summer, re-entry sucks.

Ed Norton plays a distraught teen who turns to a hate group for acceptance after his father is killed by two black men, but ends up learning about a huge conspiracy that threatens to tear at the very fabric of national security, government cover-ups and the existence of life on other planets in “AMERICAN HISTORY X FILES.”

Macaulay Culkin plays a kid who everyone thinks is a good little boy but really carries a heinous nature of evil and violence that he uses against his family who teams up with his best friend to make a homemade action movie in “THE GOOD SON OF RAMBOW.” Shoot first, ask questions about whether or not your cousin killed his mother later.

And finally Robert Downey Jr. stars as Tony Stark, a wealthy industrialist who builds himself a state-of-the-art bio suit after a life-threatening experience and decides to fight crime the only way he knows how – by going undercover as a cheerleader coach to protect a group of University of Texas cheerleaders who are the only witnesses in a federal murder case in “IRON MAN OF THE HOUSE.

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