Savages

Savages

Here’s a gem of a line from Oliver Stone‘s Savages that is indicative of its badness, “I had orgasms. He had ‘wargasms.’” Yep, this ludicrous line is one of many that Blake Lively‘s character unleashes in one of the worst character narrations EVER. Her near-braindead character, O, is in a polyamorous relationship with pot dealers Chon (Taylor Kitsch) and Ben (Aaron Johnson), gets kidnapped for ransom and continues to enjoy smoking weed. Despite an entertaining turn by John Travolta as a corrupt FBI agent, the film’s eye-rollingly stupid fake ending, lurching 131 minute runtime, and terrible trio of young leads keep it on an even keel of terrible. -Caitlin Hughes

dashes

The Lucky One

The Lucky One

The novels of Nicholas Sparks have a formula to them. The films based on Nicholas Sparks novels have a formula to them. You are a fan of these formulas, or you are decidedly not a fan. I am not a fan (though I’ll make allowances for The Notebook, which is elevated by surprisingly solid performances) of the Sparks’ oeuvre. Strangely enough, however, it seemed like this year’s The Lucky One had a fighting chance to change that – after all, it stars Zac Efron, features a pack of cuddly pups, and (spoiler alert) changes up the typical Sparks weep-by-numbers pattern to give its viewers an unexpectedly happy ending – but the final film is just dreadful. Sloppy, boring, unromantic, and frequently laughable, The Lucky One is perhaps the worst Sparks film yet, and that is saying something (moment of silence for Dear John). The lucky ones? Yeah, they’re the people who didn’t see this one (too easy and too true). -Kate Erbland

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Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Seeing as the first Ghost Rider is one of the worst comic book movies ever made, it seemed like a sequel would have nowhere to go but up. That wasn’t true for Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor’s ridiculous Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance though, which is an atrocity on par with the original. The script is an incomprehensible mess, the way the action scenes are shot and edited makes them incomprehensible messes, and, inexplicably, Nicolas Cage has been brought back to once again cheese his way through the title role. This sequel even commits the sin of being self-aware about its badness, so it’s not as much fun to mock as the original. There’s just no level this thing can be enjoyed on at all. -Nathan Adams 


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