And here are 6.5 movies you’re lucky you missed (especially since you might still have movies from 2012 to catch up on):

The Host

I still can’t figure out why more of you chose to see this incredibly boring and shockingly dumb YA adaptation over Beautiful Creatures. It follows the genre’s Twilight-inspired tropes to a disturbing degree, but does it without that series’ unintentional humor.

21 & Over

Jeff Chang? Jeff Chang! Jeff Chang. Jeff Chang! Jeff Chang? Jeff Chang? Jeff Chang! Jeff Chang. Jeff Chang! Jeff Chang? Jeff Chang? Jeff Chang! Jeff Chang. Jeff Chang! Jeff Chang? Jeff Chang? Jeff Chang! Jeff Chang. Jeff Chang! Jeff Chang? And scene.

Getaway

Ethan Hawke has to drive a car doing whatever the man on the radio tells him to do, or Hawke’s wife will be killed! Good thing Selena Gomez is on the case. There are some laughs here to be sure, unintended as they may be, but wait until it hits Netflix to get your money’s worth.

Machete Kills

Look, I admit to having some dumb fun with the first Machete film, but that was already a one-joke trailer stretched to its limit. Robert Rodriguez‘ follow-up decides that more is the answer, but unfortunately he only adds more of what didn’t work the first time around.

The Bling Ring

Sofia Coppola‘s obsession with stale, unearned celebrity reaches new heights with this terrifically boring look at uninteresting teenagers. Behind the scenes of an E! Channel reality show is no better than the show itself.

Salinger

I knew nothing but the basics about J.D. Salinger before watching this “documentary,” but I don’t know as I’m that much more informed now. Sold on the promise of new, salacious revelations the film is ultimately as empty as the vault Geraldo Rivera opened on live TV before millions of viewers.

I’m contractually obligated to do exactly half as many duds as I do winners, so that means I needed 6.5 bad movies that you missed in theaters. Luckily, the choice below is fifty percent terrible.

Before Midnight

I love Before Sunrise and Before Sunset, and I walked into Richard Linklater’s latest with excitement and joy. Sadly, I walked out disappointed in the direction our third visit with Jessie (Ethan Hawke) and Celine (Julie Delpy) had taken. The issue isn’t that I disapprove of the couple experiencing troubles. The issue is the lopsided invasion of Celine’s intimacy (she’s nothing but negative and we see her physically exposed), the decision to spend thirty minutes of the film with them arguing violently over things we’ve known already (infidelity! he likes his son! she’s a whiner!), and an ending that pretends to be something it isn’t. I’m alone in this, I know, but after watching the film three times my view hasn’t changed. That’s how I know it’s right.

More Best of 2013


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